Derailed
by invalid-reality
Summary: Written for the 'Love Games Challenge' on Oralfxatn's Yahoo group. Slightly AU, seven years post-chosen.
1. Chapter 1

Buffy sighed as she took a sip of her overpriced drink, a rum and Diet Coke, and spun around to look at her friends as they mingled and danced around the small, usually busy nightclub. It was New Years Eve and instead of the usual get-together at the house, Faith had gotten her and the Scooby's an invite to one of the most exclusive parties of the year at the Embassy, an underground club they were regulars at since arriving in Cleveland seven years back.

She followed the sound of Faith's laughter as she and the guy she'd been seeing steadily for a couple years now stood impossibly close to one another, talking to a few people Buffy didn't recognize. She rolled her eyes as she watched Josh lean down and whisper something into Faith's ear that made her laugh even harder.

It was hard for her to believe that after all the years she'd taken the chance to really get to know Faith, as she knew she should have back in Sunnydale, that Faith was in a rather serious and steady relationship with a great guy. She was happy for her, despite being rather bitter that out of all of them, especially herself, that Faith had been the one to find what Dawn had time and again called 'the perfect man'. Two years and a couple months, but Buffy wasn't exactly counting. It was hard not to keep track of the days and the months as they passed by. It was Faith after all.

The last seven years had been far easier than her life in Sunnydale. The Cleveland Hellmouth wasn't nearly as active and with Faith, Kennedy and Satsu there, she no longer had to go out on patrol alone or every night. It was nice. It gave her a lot of time to just sit back, relax and enjoy her life for once. Her close friendship with Faith was a welcome relief. She'd been sceptical at first when Faith agreed to follow them to Cleveland a week after they closed the Sunnydale Hellmouth.

She'd had her fair share of fighting with Faith even after, but it was never the way it'd been before. They fought over useless things like who ate the last hot pocket or who changed the radio station in the basement of the house they all lived in. Usual friendship fights, but unusual for both of them in the beginning. It wasn't very long before they'd grown nearly inseparable, hanging out around the house, going to the Embassy after patrol and on the weekends together. It was over the course of that first year that Buffy started to see how different and how very much alike they really were.

For the last year she'd been fighting off the growing feelings she found herself having for Faith. It started out to be a simple, harmless crush. They did spend a lot of time together, mostly slaying and dancing there at the club afterwards. The more one on one time she spent with Faith, the deeper her feelings grew and surpassed the 'I can deal with this and move on crush' to the point where she was continuously questioning whether she was falling in love with her or not. When Satsu came along and after the suddenness of their relationship, Buffy had hoped that it would derail the feelings she had for Faith.

Was she ever wrong about that. If it was even possible, she fell harder for Faith after Satsu came into the picture and even now she knew she was just stringing her along, being with her only so she wouldn't feel so alone and unloved.

The close bond she had with Faith stopped when she met Josh. Faith had saved him from a group of vampires behind the club. He was tall, blond with sparkling blue eyes and he had a great smile, perfect teeth and a laugh that sent chills down Buffy's spine. He was everything she never expected Faith to go for in a man. He was the perfect definition of a gentleman and even Buffy knew at the time that is what exactly what Faith needed and deserved. The more dates the two of them went on, the more Buffy began to realize that Faith was serious about him.

Barely a year after Faith and Josh had started dating, she surprised everyone when she packed up her room and moved into his apartment. It was only when that had happened did Buffy start to feel more than just friendly feelings for her. The time they spent together felt far and between and when Faith started skipping out on patrol, she started to withdraw herself from the world around her and everyone in it.

Bitter and depressed Buffy wasn't a fun Buffy. She'd lost that spark she had, the lightness the new life in Cleveland had given her. She knew it was bad when she found she could only laugh and smile and feel happy whenever Faith was around. The first day of summer Faith had come to stay with them at the house after she and Josh had a fight. Buffy was floating on cloud nine those three days Faith had stayed and she barely let her out of her sight for more than a minute at a time. She was clinging, she knew it and everyone else but Faith seemed to know it too. She slipped back into her bitter, depressed mood the day Josh came to the house to apologize to Faith and to bring her back home.

She had been locked away in her room for nearly two days when Satsu got transferred from Tokyo to the house in Cleveland. Right off the bat, well as soon as Buffy came out of her bitter and depressed mode, she and Satsu hit it off. She found a new friend in her and like she had with Faith before Josh had come into the picture, she started spending a lot of time with Satsu. The girl was easy to get along with, funny and sweet and a damn good fighter as Buffy found out soon after her arrival. The only one of them all that didn't take an instant liking to Satsu was Faith.

Not that surprising to say the least.

After a night of slaying and drinking and dancing at the club, she found herself pinned against the front door of the house on the dark porch by a very determined Satsu. The instant Satsu's lips were on her own she welcomed it instead of pushing her away. She indulged in it instead of slipping into denial mode. As drunk as she was she knew in that moment, that single moment, that she wanted to be with Satsu only to forget about Faith for one night. Of course in the end, after all was said and done, not so much said, she still thought of Faith and she felt almost guilty even though she knew she shouldn't.

The day afterwards was awkward for her. She couldn't look Satsu in the eye without blushing furiously. She ended up spilling what had happened to Faith that night on patrol. She's never heard Faith laugh at her like that before either. The teasing was relentless and Faith went out of her way that night with over the top sexual innuendos just to make Buffy have a constant blush across her cheeks. Truth be told she had missed that side of Faith and no matter how embarrassed she was at first to have told Faith, she was glad she did. She had been the one that encouraged Buffy to become involved with Satsu shortly after that.

Their 'dates' at the club after patrol ended as soon as Buffy became involved with Satsu. She was always there waiting for Buffy and Faith, always there whether she'd gone out on patrol or not. Faith didn't mind and if she did, she never said a word. Josh started coming around a week after Buffy and Satsu got together and what had once been alone time for Buffy and Faith became close to them being on double-dates. It wasn't even much longer after that, about a month before Christmas that Buffy slipped back in bitter and depressed mode with a side of the green eyed monster.

Faith was the first person to pick up her sudden mood change and she had confronted her about it, demanding to know what 'crawled up her ass and died'. She could have told Faith the truth, but they never had the chance to talk alone. Someone was always around them and it was always Satsu, Josh or Kennedy and Willow. She let it pass, telling Buffy one night they'd sit down and talk about whatever it was that was bothering her. Faith left her there alone in the cemetery with Satsu and nothing but thoughts of how that talk would go.

She sighed once again, staring down at her overpriced drink and knowing how dangerous and unhealthy it was for her to be drinking and thinking the way she was. The night was about letting loose and having fun without a care in the world. She felt like she still, after all those years, had the weight of the world on her shoulders. Ever since she'd been called when she was fifteen she had forgotten how to forget about her problems and the things that went bump in the night.

"Hey," Satsu smiled softly as she sat on the bar stool next to her. "What are we looking at?"

"Nothing," Buffy replied quickly as she turned to look at her girlfriend. "When did you get back?"

"Just now. I had to listen to Kennedy whine about Willow for the last four hours. Please don't ask me to cover you on patrol if I have to team up with her," Satsu groaned as she reached for Buffy's overpriced drink and took a sip. "You want to go dance?"

Buffy shook her head no as she turned look back at Faith for a split second. "I'm good. I just want to sit here and bask for awhile."

Satsu nodded, frowning a little as she leaned over and gave her a light, rather chaste kiss. Their relationship was new to Buffy. Although it had been purely an accident when they'd landed in bed together, the relationship that followed that was...interesting, for lack of better words. Every day she asked herself if she was in love with Satsu. Every day she asked herself why the answer was still no and every day she asked herself why she thought about Faith when she knew she should be thinking about Satsu.

Everything always came back to Faith.

Buffy shook her head, drinking the rest of her drink and slammed the glass down on the bar in front of her. She motioned to the bartender for another, wincing as the alcohol and Diet Coke burned as she swallowed it slowly. She drowned out the music and the sound of Faith's infectious laughter that surrounded her and stared down into her drink once it was placed in front of her.

"Why does everything always have to be about _her_?" Buffy muttered under her breath as she traced the rim of the glass aimlessly with her finger.

Maybe the alcohol was getting to her, clouding her vision and sending impure thoughts about the woman who was now one of her best friends. She remembered feeling nearly weak in the knees, feeling her heart race that much quicker and the butterflies come to life when she'd walked into the club earlier that night and her eyes fell upon Faith. A happy, smiling, head-over-heels in love Faith. Maybe it was the changes she'd seen over the years since they'd all relocated to Cleveland that was making her rethink absolutely everything when it came to Faith.

She turned to look at her for the hundredth time in the last half an hour. Josh had his arm possessively wrapped around her waist and she was looking up at him, smiling and laughing at every other word that came out of his mouth. She watched as Faith grabbed his empty beer bottle and leaned up to kiss him, her eyes shining as she pulled back and headed straight for the bar.

"Hey, B," she smiled brightly at her as she draped an arm around her shoulders. "Having fun?"

"Plenty of fun is being had, see," Buffy responded as she held up her drink.

"What are you doing sitting here all alone? Did your girl show up yet?"

"She's here," Buffy nodded in reply as she grew rather tense with Faith's arm around her shoulder. "Somewhere."

"Hey!" Faith yelled, trying to get the bartenders attention. "What do I gotta do to get a goddamn drink around here?"

"Relax, Faith. He's busy," Buffy said quietly as she shrugged Faith's arm off of her. "Never got the chance to thank you for getting us all invited here tonight. Always wanted to see what the big hype was about this party."

"No hype. Just an exclusive guest list, drinks, good music. It's like any other night we're here when you think about it," Faith laughed as she leaned against the bar and stared at Buffy for a moment. "What's up with you tonight?"

"What? Nothing."

Faith raised an eyebrow as she picked up Buffy's drink and took a sip. "Ugh, how can you drink this shit?"

Buffy ignored her, turning to watch the people out on the dance floor. She caught herself trying to look at Faith out of the corner of her eye and she closed her eyes tightly, hoping when she opened them she'd be there at the bar alone and Faith would be back with Josh playing the part of the perfect, smiling and laughing girlfriend. When she opened them a minute later she found Faith standing directly in front of her, grinning at her as she held two beers in her hand.

"Feeling okay there, B?"

"I'm fine."

"If you say so," she chuckled as she turned her head quickly to look over at Josh. "Save me a dance for later, okay?"

"Of course," Buffy replied with a smile she was unable to fight off before it slipped out.

Her smiled faded however as she watched Faith make her way through the crowd back to Josh. She had to turn away, it becoming harder every time she saw the two of them kiss each other. Faith had no problem with the public displays of affection, she never had and it always bothered Buffy deep down. She couldn't help but look at them though and no matter what she did, she was letting her curiosity of what they were doing get to her.

Her gaze drifted back to Faith and Josh yet again and she watched as Faith pulled him towards the back room, smiling back at him as he playfully resisted. She had to stop doing this to herself. She knew that she had to stop finding herself pining away for Faith, feeling bitter and angry and guilty every time she just looked at her. She had her chance, four years ago, and she shrugged Faith off at the time, definitely not interested in her in the same way Faith was hinting that she felt at the time. As soon as she watched Faith and Josh disappear into the back room, she turned back to the bar and drank back the rest of her drink in one go.

Giving up on trying to get the bartender's attention so she could get another drink, she slipped off the stool and headed for the far corner of the club. It was a bit quieter there, darker and her friends had taken over three of the plush purple couches. She sat next to a rather inebriated Willow and forced a smile at her as she slowly turned to look at her.

"Hey, Buffy. Do you want a drink? There is a lot to drink," she slurred slightly as she waved clumsily at the large block coffee table in front of them lined with shot glasses full to the brim. "Take a drink! It's on me tonight! Well not _on_ me, but you know, I'm paying for them tonight."

Buffy laughed as she reached for the nearest shot and took it back. Her eyes drifted over to the door to the back room and she sighed heavily, feeling miserable and down on herself. The only thing that was stopping her from having the time of her life was the constant thoughts she'd been having of Faith since she arrived. She only looked away when Willow annoyingly poked her in the shoulder to get her attention.

"Where is Satsu?"

"Around somewhere," Buffy shrugged and she tried not to show that she really did not care where Satsu was right then or not.

"It's getting closer to midnight! You'll miss out on the midnight smooches!"

"I'm not worried about it, Will. She'll find me before then," she replied, forcing a smile as she reached for another shot, taking it back easier than the first one.

She let the alcohol warm her body and numb her thoughts and she took a third shot back, coughing slightly as she spotted Faith storming out of the back room. She was pissed, Buffy could not only see it but she could feel it as well. Faith looked around the club from the middle of the dance floor and when her eyes fell upon Buffy, she smiled and headed straight for her.

"Can you believe he passed out on me!" Faith groaned as she sat down next to Buffy on the couch. "I swear, he gets one too many in him and he's out like a fucking light."

"Well you two have been drinking since noon," Buffy pointed out as she kept her eyes trained on Faith's profile as she reached for a shot.

"That's not the point! It's fucking New Years, B. There's like an unspoken rule where you don't pass out before midnight."

Buffy could see past the anger and she could feel the sexual tension rolling off of Faith in waves. She winced as Faith gripped her jean-clad knee as she turned to look at her, handing her a shot before reaching for another. She took in a deep breath as she held the shot glass to her lips, waiting for Faith to take hers first. Buffy inhaled deeply, the sweet scent of the whiskey tickling her nose and she tried not to laugh as Faith shot her a strange look before she took back her shot and reached for the glass in Buffy's hands.

"Snooze, you lose," Faith smirked, easily taking the glass from Buffy and she took it back. "God. Feels so good just to be able to let loose with no worries for one night, doesn't it?"

"Sure does."

Faith handed Buffy another shot and released her hand from her knee to grab one for herself. "You having fun yet, B?"

"I am now," she replied with a soft smile and was about to sip her shot when Willow grabbed onto her arm roughly. "Will, what the hell? These are brand new jeans!"

"Isn't that Satsu?" She asked, ignoring Buffy's outburst. "She's dancing with another girl, Buffy!"

"So?"

"So? So! Just look," Willow said as she pulled Buffy over a little so she had a clear line of sight to where Satsu was indeed dancing with another girl. "Isn't that a little bit too..."

"They are just dancing," Buffy shrugged. "It's not like they're..."

"Fucking?" Faith laughed as she too leaned over to look at Satsu and the random girl she was dancing rather close with. "Definitely not fucking, but pretty damn close to pulling some public indecency shit here."

Buffy leaned back on the couch, her whole body humming now with Faith in such close proximity. The slew of drinks and shots she'd had was catching up to her and she closed her eyes to get the room to stop spinning. The warm whiskey that had spilt all over her brand new jeans was beginning to irritate her skin and she stood up, falling back as soon as she did and gripped onto Faith's arm.

"You feeling okay?" Faith asked quietly as she leaned back on the couch and placed her hand over Buffy's. "You aren't gonna hurl or anything, are you?"

"No, just got a little dizzy there. I'm just going to go...to the bathroom...to try and dry my pants," she stammered as she tried to keep from falling into the intensity of Faith's worried eyes. "I'll be back."

She stood up slower this time and made her way through the crowd to the bathrooms. The line outside the bathroom, with one four stalls, was impossibly long. Buffy groaned as she leaned against the wall and tried to drown out the sounds of the girls chattering excitedly in front of her. The music suddenly stopped and she looked around the club from where she stood, looking to see if Satsu was coming to find her. Instead she could no longer find her out on the dance floor and she shrugged off the disappointment she felt that she definitely wouldn't be getting her kiss at midnight.

She blinked a couple of times, struggling to see over the crowd of people now just standing around, waiting for the countdown to begin. Her heart quickened just a little when she saw Faith push past quite a few people and head straight for her with a determined look on her face. She held her breath as she got closer and found herself smiling right back at her as she finally stepped in front of her.

"Can't let you go without having a kiss a midnight, B."

"No?"

"It's the least I can do," Faith chuckled as she grabbed her waist and pulled her away from the wall. "What are friends for, right?"

She let out the breath she'd been holding, her lips dry, the room still spinning around her. Faith was too close now, her lips only mere inches apart from her own. Buffy was swaying slightly, struggling to keep her balance as she stared impossibly deeper into her eyes, searching for unspoken answers, searching to see if she wasn't really dreaming that this was about to happen.

"You okay with this?" Faith whispered as she reached up and gently tucked a strand of hair behind Buffy's ear. "This isn't overstepping the friendship boundaries, is it?"

"It's just a New Years Eve tradition."

"Right. Tradition," Faith smirked as she pulled Buffy in just a little closer. Too close

Everything began to fade away from the background and all Buffy could see right in front of her was Faith and her deliciously kissable lips she'd found herself one too many times in the past daydreaming about. Fantasizing what it'd be like to kiss her, to take her bottom lip between her lips, to know what it was finally like to be kissed by the one woman who made her insides turn to mush and brought the butterflies alive with just one simple, innocent look.

As the clock struck midnight, Faith leaned in and pressed her lips softly against hers. It was chaste, nothing more than a friendly peck between two friends and as she began to pull away, Buffy slid her hands around to the back of her neck and pulled her back in, parting her lips and running her tongue over Faith's, hoping for more, wanting so much more. She didn't even care if anyone saw them. She knew if it came down to it all they both had to do was blame it on having one too many drinks.

Yeah. One too many drinks and a crush that had turned into so much more. There was no going back for her now. Not now that she knew what it was like to finally kiss her.

Faith allowed the kiss to deepen, but only for a moment before she pulled back, grinning as she dropped her hands from Buffy's waist. Buffy whispered a thank you, one she knew was lost over the sounds of people cheering and laughing as they all rang in the New Year. Faith looked nervous all of a sudden and she ran her hands through her hair as she turned to look back at the people surrounding them. She didn't look back at Buffy as she spotted Josh coming out of the back room and headed straight for him.

Buffy leaned back against the wall, her breath quivering as she closed her eyes and felt her lips slightly tingling from the kiss. She raised her fingers to her lips, sighing softly as she opened her eyes again as reality came crashing back down around her. Satsu was headed straight for her, looking none too pleased as she struggled to make her way through the crowd. She started to grow worried from the look on Satsu's face. Had she seen the kiss? Was she angry or was she just upset she'd missed her at the stroke of midnight? Reading Satsu was as hard as reading one of Giles' books. The words were there, but she just didn't understand any of them.

Her mind was fuzzy, her emotions running wild and her body buzzing from more than just the alcohol she'd drank that night. The feel of Faith's lips upon her own, the feel of her hands gently gripping her hips catapulted her feelings tenfold. What had once been an innocent crush turned 'I think I'm falling in love with her' was now beyond so much more than what she could comprehend. She had a taste of those succulent lips she'd one too many times daydreamed about kissing and now she wanted more. So much more. She had to have more and she had to have Faith even if she couldn't have her now.

The mumbled apology that escaped her lips as Satsu finally reached her was lost among the noise of the club and she found herself indulging in her second midnight kiss. One that she should have had. One she should have enjoyed more than the one she had with Faith. It wasn't the same. There were just no sparks between them as Satsu kissed her. Buffy pulled back, mumbling yet another apology that went unheard as she avoided looking into Satsu's eyes.

She was definitely in trouble now and in way too deep to pull herself out.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: Build-up is a great thing, trying the whole slow burn for a few chapters...or maybe not, we'll see how it takes off after this chapter :)

* * *

The bright morning sun woke her early the next morning. Her head was pounding, her body stiff from sleeping awkwardly on the bed and she groaned loudly as she rolled onto her back and slowly stretched out. Satsu stirred next to her in the bed, pulling on the heavy covers as she rolled onto her side with her back turned to her. Buffy looked over at her, resisting that little pull deep down inside of her that urged her to reach out and hold her.

It wasn't that she didn't want those morning cuddles. She and Satsu never cuddled, not even after a couple hours of oh-so-amazing sex. Satsu was good in bed, great even, and Buffy had no doubts about that. Every night she spent with her she woke up in the morning with a delicious ache between her legs and the feeling of satisfaction she'd never gotten from any of her previous relationships.

She closed her eyes tightly, shielding out the brightness of the sun that made her head pound furiously. The smell of coffee brewing down in the kitchen lured her out of bed and she dressed quickly and quietly, her eyes never leaving Satsu's lithe form sprawled out on her bed until she turned to walk out of the bedroom. She felt her heart drop slightly then begin to race quickly when she heard the sound of Faith's voice drifting up the stairs from the kitchen. It was early, but not that early and she had nearly forgotten that Giles wanted to have a meeting that morning.

"Morning," Buffy mumbled under her breath as she walked into the kitchen and headed straight for the coffee pot.

"Feeling a little rough this morning?" Faith asked, smirking as she leaned against the island in the middle of the kitchen, her hands wrapped around her own mug of steaming hot coffee.

"You could say that."

"Last night caught up to you, did it?"

"Slightly," Buffy replied as she poured herself a cup and turned to look at her. "You were talking to someone before I came down..."

"Josh is here. He and Giles went to try and fix the water heater."

"It broke again?" Buffy groaned as she ran her hand through her tousled hair. "Great. I think I've had enough cold showers to last a lifetime since we moved here."

"Look about last night," Faith sighed as she looked up over at Buffy. "I...we were drinking and I didn't mean to kiss you like that. It isn't gonna make everything weird between us now, is it?"

"No," Buffy replied quickly. Too quickly. "No weirdness at all here. It was just a kiss between two friends, isn't that what you said? New Years Eve tradition and all that."

Faith nodded her head slowly as she lowered her eyes down to her mug of coffee and let out a relieved sigh. Buffy tried not to read too much into the way Faith was reacting. It was so unusual to see her act nervous around her. She'd thought that after seven years of being close friends they'd gotten beyond that. She leaned against the counter and tried not to stare at Faith and began idly picking at the small chip on the handle of her mug, trying to banish all thoughts of Faith and the kiss they'd shared, a kiss that definitely went past the boundaries of friendship and would make everything weird between them. At least it would for Buffy. It did nothing to help her resolve in her fight against not doing anything about how she felt about Faith.

There was awkward, heavy silence between them and it weighed Buffy down a little too much. She didn't have time to dwell on it for much longer as she heard the heavy footsteps coming up the stairs from the basement. She took her mug of coffee and sat down at the table, forcing herself to look away as Josh walked up to Faith and kissed her. The soft giggle that followed the kiss made Buffy's stomach lurch. Yeah, Faith was a giggler, who knew? She sure as hell didn't. Faith was just full of surprises.

"It seems we'll have to replace the water heater," Giles said as he cleared his throat to get Buffy's attention. "Seeing how we can't replace it until tomorrow there'll be no hot showers."

"Bummer."

"When you two are ready, I'd like to get the meeting started," Giles smiled as he turned to walk out of the kitchen. "We're just waiting on the others. It would be absolute cruelty to wake them before they wake up on their own considering the state everyone was in last night."

"What did you do last night, G?" Faith asked as she fought off Josh's wandering hands.

"I divulged myself with a glass of Scotch and some light reading."

"Ooh watch out," Faith laughed. "Giles sure knows how to party all by himself!"

"If you must know the truth," he grinned as he stopped at the doorway. "I spent an obscene amount of time on the phone with Olivia last night."

"Phone sex! Right on, G!"

"Wasn't she supposed to be here for the holidays?" Buffy asked as she fought back the smile she already knew was there.

"She is unable to arrive here until next week. Now, as soon as everyone is awake I'd like for you all to immediately come to my office. New year, new problems and don't forget that as usual the patrol schedules will be changed."

Buffy nodded and lowered her eyes back to her mug of coffee. Her slight hangover was already beginning to fade away and the nauseated feeling in the pit of her stomach was caused by the inappropriate groping between Josh and Faith. She wanted to get up and leave to give the two of them some privacy, but she couldn't force herself to walk away. Even though the lower halves of their bodies were hidden from behind the island, she knew exactly where Josh's hands were.

"Josh, knock it off!" Faith laughed, her voice low and husky and it sent chills through Buffy's body. "Seriously, babe, stop it!"

Buffy rolled her eyes when Josh grumbled before backing away from Faith. She glanced over at Faith and received an eyebrow raise from her along with a wink. She wondered if Faith even knew what that look did to her. She gripped her mug and found it next to impossible to break away from the intense eye-contact they were having. Faith only looked away when Josh pulled her in for a kiss and told her he'd be around later to pick her up. Buffy could only clench her teeth, pushing down the unrelenting jealousy as best she could.

The sound of Kennedy and Willow coming down the stairs was what jolted her out of her 'Faith daze'. She preoccupied herself with the paper from the day before that was still laid out on the table in front of her, fighting back the blush she knew had crept across her face over the course of the last ten minutes. She couldn't seem to relax, her shoulders felt tense and she took a sip of her coffee, briefly looking up at Willow and Kennedy as they walked into the kitchen.

"Morning," Willow mumbled as she pressed a palm to her forehead. "Is it just me or is the room spinning?"

"Just you, Red," Faith responded as she moved to sit on top of the counter next to the sink. "Had a little bit too much fun last night, huh?"

"Don't remind me."

"You need to get some coffee in you, baby," Kennedy whispered to Willow as she reached for two mugs and placed them as quietly as she could on the counter. "Giles awake yet?"

"Awake and waiting on us," Faith nodded. "Hey, B. You better go wake up your girl. I want to get this meeting done and over with already."

Buffy looked over at her and sighed. She took one last sip of her coffee before she headed upstairs to her room. Satsu was already awake and just pulling on a faded black, nearly grey sweatshirt when Buffy opened the door. She tried to return the sweet smile Satsu gave her, but it was hard for her to even look her in the eye when all she could think about was Faith. If Satsu picked up on anything, she didn't make it known as she walked up to Buffy and planted a light kiss on her lips.

"Morning."

"Morning," Buffy responded quietly. "Giles wants to start the meeting."

"I know. I was just about to come downstairs. Is everyone else awake? Is Faith here yet?"

"Yeah."

Satsu took her hand which Buffy reluctantly allowed and she tried to smile at her as Satsu intertwined their fingers and headed out the door. Buffy stopped her at the top of the stairs, turning her around to give her a proper good morning kiss. It was only after that was she able to smile sweetly at her. Despite how she felt about Faith, she was still with Satsu and she knew Satsu deserved to be treated right by her. Satsu stopped her from going down the stairs and kissed her again, harder and deeper, her hand not currently grasping her own sliding around to the back of her neck to keep her right where she was. There were still no sparks between them, not like she'd felt when she'd kissed Faith and she tried not to show the disappointment in her eyes as she pulled back from the kiss.

They walked down the stairs slowly and Buffy pulled her hand from Satsu's as they reached the bottom step. Satsu frowned but said nothing as she followed Buffy into the kitchen. She pointedly made sure she didn't look over at Faith as she got herself another cup of coffee. She could feel Faith's eyes on her and she could almost feel what she was thinking. Almost.

Everything was definitely becoming weird between the two of them. Buffy could feel it. The kiss had changed everything between them whether Faith realized it or not. Her own feelings were throwing her into a tailspin she couldn't seem to pull herself out of. If she hadn't felt the way she did about Faith she knew that the kiss they had wouldn't have changed anything between them. She almost wanted to go back to the point before midnight and stop that from happening. If it hadn't happened, she wouldn't be plagued with nothing but thoughts of how hard her heart had raced, how those butterflies danced in her stomach at a rate of a thousand miles an hour. She wouldn't feel the seething jealousy when she'd seen Josh and Faith together that morning, and she wouldn't feel like she wanted nothing more than to find ways to get rid of him.

Violent thoughts fuelled by jealousy and being in love with the one woman she knew she never could have didn't feel right. It didn't sit well with her, yet she couldn't just let go of her feelings as easily as she knew she needed to. She swallowed the lump that formed in her throat as she joined the others in Giles' office and found the only seat on the couch was next to Faith. She held her breath as she reluctantly sat down next to her, making sure when she did look over at her she didn't allow herself to look for more than a mere second. Any longer and she'd fall into the tailspin all over again, feeling more derailed than she already felt.

****

After the two hour meeting, Buffy found herself down in the basement repeatedly punching the heavy Everlast bag that had seen hours upon hours of her frustration and anger. The chain creaked with every hit and she blinked as a bead of sweat rolled down her forehead. She stopped the series of punches and kicks when she heard the basement door open. When it shut again and she heard nobody descending down the stairs, she picked back up again, hitting the bag with too much force as it threatened to break from the chain.

She stopped for a moment and held onto the bag, feeling the sweat trickling down her back and down her modest cleavage, dampening the sports bra she wore. Her body was aching for her to stop, her hands sore and raw despite having taped them, but she stopped only long enough to catch her breath before she continued. It was the only way she could go more than an hour at a time without thinking about Faith. Without thinking about how deep her feelings were for her and how they just kept growing with every day that passed.

She wanted to stop thinking about Faith like that. This was her friend, her best friend, and it wasn't fair to her own heart to feel this way for someone she'd never have anything more than a friendship with. She needed to talk to someone, anyone, about what she was feeling, but it wasn't that easy. Nothing ever was easy for her.

She was lost in her own thoughts and the sound of her fists hitting the bag that she became unaware of her surroundings until she felt a soft, gentle hand grip her left shoulder. She spun around, not thinking as she threw a hard punch and her eyes opened wide in shock and disbelieve as Faith stumbled back, clutching her jaw.

"Wow, so thought we moved past the whole punch in the face greeting," she chuckled as she rubbed over her tender jaw. "What gives?"

"Sorry I was just..."

"Beating the shit out of the bag?"

"Yeah," Buffy sighed as she ripped the tape off of her hands. "Didn't even hear you come down."

"Wasn't gonna at first," Faith shrugged. "Stood at the top of the stairs for a couple of minutes just listening to you beat the shit outta the bag here. We need to talk, Buffy."

"About what?"

"About what happened between us last night."

"Thought we already talked about it? It was just a kiss between friends, Faith. Nothing to worry about. I'm not going to think you're all attracted to me now or anything," Buffy replied with a forced laugh.

"But you kissed me back," she said softly, her eyes drifting to the floor. "You really kissed me back in a not so friendly way."

"I was drunk," Buffy retaliated. "We both were."

"Still..."

"Let's just drop it, okay?"

"Fine, whatever, B. It's dropped. Just thought there might have been more of a reason for you kissing me back like that. It's been bugging me."

"I thought we were going to drop it?"

Faith sighed as she shrugged. "I said whatever."

"Josh coming around soon?" Buffy asked, hoping to change the conversation around so it wasn't about the two of them and the kiss although that was all she was thinking about now.

"Yeah, soon. He wants to stop by his parents' place for a couple of hours. Do the whole family thing, you know?" Faith replied as she walked up to the bag and gave it a light tap with her fist. "Meet up same place as always for patrol later?"

"Of course."

"Great. I'll see you later then, B."

Faith took a deep breath as she walked past Buffy and headed up the stairs. Buffy let out the breath she'd been holding as soon as she heard the basement door shut. She shook her head and laughed as she grabbed her bottle of water and downed it quickly. They should have talked about it. It was going to bother her all day; she could feel it and she knew by the time she had to go out on patrol with Faith later that she'd be a wreck.

She was already a wreck. Her emotions toying with her heart. Her heart breaking in half every time she thought of the kiss between them and how real it felt, how right it seemed to be. There were a few things stopping her from stepping up, owning up to her feelings and telling Faith just how she felt about her. There was Josh and the fact that Faith was seriously in love with him and there was Satsu, who she knew she should be in love with seeing how she is with her and then there was their friendship, a friendship that could be jeopardized yet again. She couldn't allow anything to come between the bond they now had. They'd come too far now to destroy it all because she was in love with Faith.

"I'm never going to be able to tell her how I feel," Buffy groaned as she walked up the stairs slowly.

"Tell who how you feel about what?" Satsu asked as she opened the door before Buffy could even reach for the handle. "Are you talking to yourself again?"

"Yeah, just thinking out loud. You know me," Buffy laughed nervously.

"You've been down there all morning," Satsu pointed out as neither of them moved from where they stood in the doorway. "Are you feeling okay today?"

"Just feeling a little worked up, it's nothing. It'll pass. I'm going to go and have a shower."

"The water heater is broken."

Buffy shrugged it off and walked past Satsu, ignoring her feeble attempts at trying to get Buffy to stop walking away from her. She headed upstairs, taking the stairs two at a time. A cold shower was probably a good thing right about now. It would help deter the lascivious thoughts of Faith that were just lingering there, threatening to throw her back down into the tailspin she'd been stuck on since realizing how she felt about Faith.

Her mind was screaming at her, telling her to stop listening to her heart and her heart was arguing with her conscious every time she tried to push her thoughts of Faith, her feelings and that kiss away. The internal struggle she was having was pulling her away from Satsu, from her friends and from herself. She walked into her room and walked over to the window when she heard a car pull up and the horn being beeped a few times.

She couldn't tear her eyes away from Faith as she walked out of the house and down the driveway to Josh's car. She couldn't force away the burning jealousy she felt as she watched Faith climb into the car and give him a long, lingering kiss before he drove away. She clenched her fists tightly and resisted the urge to punch something and turned away from the window as soon as the car was out of sight.

"She should be with me," she said to herself as she grabbed her towel and a change of clothes. "She should be with me and not _him_. He doesn't deserve her."

She gritted her teeth at the sound of bitterness and jealousy in her voice. It made her inwardly cringe. This wasn't who she was. She didn't pine over others, she didn't brood, and she didn't slip into bitter depression because she couldn't have what she so desperately wanted. She had to ask herself why now, why did she want Faith now that she was untouchable? Had it been seeing her in a stable relationship with Josh that made her see a whole different side to her or was it something else? There were just too many questions with not enough answers that made any sense to her.

All she knew for sure was that she'd never been in love with anyone like this, not even when she loved Angel had she felt this way. There was just something about Faith that drew her in, that had always drawn her in. Underneath her bad-ass persona was a sweet, gentle woman who had a heart of gold and a soft spot for her friends, a woman who would do anything for the people she loved including putting her own life on the line if that's what saved them. She was strong, she was weak, and she was everything Buffy ever wanted in a partner and in a friend and in a lover. Not being able to have her and knowing that she probably never would nearly brought tears to her eyes. Tears she'd shed one too many times before.

****

Around seven that night, after a long day of hiding away in her room alone with the thoughts that just wouldn't go away, she walked down the street a few blocks from the house to meet Faith at their usual corner. It was the halfway point between the house and Josh's apartment. She pulled her arms around her, shivering and wishing she'd thrown on an extra sweater. She hated the cold and in seven years of living in Cleveland she still hadn't gotten used to the winters there.

All day she'd tried to stop herself from thinking of Faith and failed horribly. It was useless to stop thinking about her, thinking about the 'what ifs' and 'what could've been' if only she'd stepped up and told Faith how she felt before Josh came into the picture. Even just thinking about Josh made her involuntarily clench her fists and grind her teeth together. She did like the guy, he was sweet and he treated Faith like she was a goddess. She was though, in Buffy's mind, close to being a goddess. She shook her head, trying to dislodge her thoughts as she spotted Faith walking down the street with her hands in her jacket pockets and a cigarette dangling from her lips.

The first thing she noticed was the nervous way Faith looked up at her as soon as she'd gotten no closer than a couple feet away. Faith was never nervous, at least not around her that she'd seen before last night. She smiled at her, hoping for a sweet smile back and instead she only got a grunt in reply along with a nod of the head for them to head off to the closest cemetery.

The second thing she noticed was how Faith was going out of her way to avoid looking at her directly in the eye. Whatever was going through her head was bothering her. Buffy knew what that was too. She wanted to talk about the kiss they'd had the night before and after that morning confrontation in the basement she knew Faith was being reluctant to bring it up again.

"Fucking cold tonight, isn't it?" Faith asked as they walked past the cemetery gates, snow and gravel crunching under their boots rather loudly with every step they took. "Its nights like this that makes me miss those warm winters in Sunnydale."

"Yeah, I miss it too."

"Too bad there wasn't a Hellmouth somewhere warm down south we could've gone to," Faith said under her breath as she took her hand out of her pocket and pulled the dangling cigarette away from her lips. "You know, Josh wanted to go away for a couple of weeks. Don't know how to tell him I can't just pick up and go on vacation. Got responsibilities here."

"I'm sure Giles would let you go away for a couple weeks."

"I already asked him. He said no."

Buffy nodded, trying to look sympathetic and failed as she felt the sly smile creep across her lips. "I'm sure he'll let you go if you ask him again."

"Too late now. Josh doesn't want to bother anymore."

"Oh."

"He doesn't understand what life is like for us, you know? He hates it when I go out on patrol. The funny thing is, he thought at first patrol was just a cover story, covering up the fact that I was seeing someone else on the side," she laughed as she shook her head and flicked her cigarette to the ground. "He knew about the whole gig from the moment I met him, but he didn't believe it for the longest time, you know?"

"Mm-hmm."

"We had a fight this afternoon at his parents' house."

"About what?" Buffy asked despite how uncomfortable she was hearing Faith talk about her and Josh. "Nothing major I hope?"

"Nah, just you know a stupid rather pointless argument."

"Over what?"

"He proposed to me on Christmas. He asked me again today and my answer was still the same."

"Oh."

"Yeah, wasn't gonna tell anyone since I told him I wasn't ready for that. Been with him how long and I'm still not ready to take that next step, how fucking crazy is that?"

"You'll be ready when you are ready, Faith," Buffy replied, her voice cracking as she felt her heart shatter at the thought of Faith marrying Josh. "You do love him, don't you?"

"I do. Maybe not enough to marry him. Keep asking myself why. Got everything I ever wanted in life now. I'm in love with a great guy, I have you as a friend and everything in my life is stable. It's scary."

"Why is it scary?"

"Cos I'm afraid that it's gonna be taken from me if I let my guard down. Afraid to really be happy and just let myself live cos the last time I did that, well...you know what happened. Went for a little walk on the dark side and I don't want to go down that path again."

Faith breathed out heavily as she stopped and turned to look at Buffy. She opened her mouth as if she was about to say something more, but quickly closed it and shook her head as she turned away and continued walking. Buffy fell behind a couple of paces, wondering if that was the only thing bothering Faith. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. In the last seven years she knew one thing about Faith. She didn't talk about thing she thought about until she was ready to and she never responded well when someone questioned her further, pushing her to keep talking about it.

There were so many walls surrounding Faith and Buffy had only managed to break through a few of them. She wasn't going to push her to talk if she didn't want to and she was glad she'd stopped talking about Josh. She didn't want to spend the next couple of hours hearing her go on and on about him like she had done a few times before whenever the two of them had a fight or she wasn't sure about the way things were going between them. Buffy had always been there for her and she'd been that shoulder to cry on when Faith reached that point. She'd always be there for her regardless of her feelings for her.

She wanted to be there for her in other ways. She knew she could only be her friend, as she only was and only ever would be. Love sucks especially when it is a one-sided deal laced with bitter jealousy. Buffy knew that before the night was over that she'd end up telling Faith how she felt one way or another.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes: Been a little slow going with the updates, been busy at work and all, so I apologize for taking too long between chapters...here's another chapter for your reading pleasure, a little sooner than I thought I'd get it up. Would love to hear what everyone thinks of the direction this little story is going in so far :)

* * *

The Embassy was closed and instead of parting their separate ways after patrol, they headed back to the house, Faith fully intent on having a couple of beers with Buffy before calling it a night. Nobody else was awake when they got to the house and they quietly made their way to the basement, the only room in the house where they could talk without being heard by anyone else.

Buffy had spent the entire night forcing herself not to think about Faith and her feelings. She'd spent the entire night trying not to look at Faith, which was nearly impossible to with how she always found some way to wander into Buffy's line of sight, intentional or not. She hadn't spoken about Josh or his proposal after first talking about it. Buffy wasn't sure if she was relieved or worried; worried that maybe Faith was doing a lot of thinking about seriously considering accepting Josh's proposal. If that ever happened, Buffy wasn't sure how she'd deal, but she'd figure that out when the time came.

Surely living the rest of her life without the woman she knew she wanted and was in love with wouldn't be so bad. Sure it'd be lingered with relentless jealousy and bitterness that would make her that old woman who would shout at people from her front porch if they even walked on her front lawn. That scenario was starting to look more and more likely and she wanted nothing more than to figure out how to stop that life from really happening to her.

"You want a beer?" Faith asked as she opened the small refrigerator in the basement and pulled out a beer for herself.

"Sure."

"We're gonna talk, B."

"I know."

"But first we need a little bit of liquid courage," Faith laughed as she popped off the beer cap and took a swig. "Definitely gonna need something stronger than beer though. We'll be drinking till the morning."

"Like you would complain about that," Buffy replied as she rolled her eyes and walked over to the shelves near the washing machine. "Drinking is one of your favourite 'hobbies', isn't it?"

"Could say that. One of many."

"Well, I was saving this for a special occasion," Buffy said softly as she pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniel's. "But, you said we need liquid courage and who can help us better with that than good old Jack?"

"Sometimes I love the way you think, B," Faith chuckled softly and Buffy involuntarily shivered.

She smiled at that as she watched Faith down her beer as quickly as she could. They settled on the mats that were laid out on the floor in the middle of the wide open basement. Buffy nursed her beer slowly, watching as Faith drank the whiskey straight from the bottle. They were going to talk, it was inevitable and Buffy wasn't so sure she wanted to talk to Faith while drinking. Alcohol was her truth serum and she wasn't so sure she was ready to let it all out.

Faith looked nervous, a little tense as she sat a few feet away from Buffy and took another swig from the bottle. Her nervousness was making Buffy feel nervous. She'd never seen Faith like this before and it was scaring her just a little. Faith always exuded confidence, always and tonight she'd become someone Buffy thought she'd never see in her.

"What did you want to talk about?"

"You know what I want to talk about, B."

"I thought we already did?"

Faith shook her head as she watched Buffy slowly finish the last of her beer and handed her the bottle of whiskey. "We did and we didn't."

"Is it really bothering you that much?"

Faith paused for a moment before nodding her head. "Yeah. It is."

"Why?"

"I don't know why!" Faith sighed as she grabbed the bottle back from Buffy before she had a change to take a sip. "I don't even know why I wanted to kiss you last night either. Maybe it was the whole tradition thing, maybe it was something else. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day. You know why that is?"

"No?"

"Fuck," she groaned as she took another swig and handed the bottle to Buffy. "You really threw me for a loop kissing me like that last night, B."

"I'm sorry?" Buffy offered an apology even though she didn't truly mean it. "It won't happen again obviously."

Faith let out a deep breath as she leaned back on her elbows and closed her eyes. Whatever she was thinking about was tearing through every last emotion she had inside of her. Buffy could see the internal struggle she was having with herself. She could feel it. She could always feel whatever Faith felt and she had to wonder if it was the same for Faith. She stared down at the bottle in her hand and took another swig, already feeling the slight buzz course through her body. She had a thought that maybe drinking and talking about this wasn't such a great idea. A rather big confrontation was building between them. She could feel it with every ounce of her being and with every heavy beat of her heart.

"We're supposed to be friends, right?" Faith asked, breaking the heavy silence between them. "If we are then why does it feel like we just took a huge step back?"

Buffy shrugged, not sure what to say to that. She handed the bottle to Faith and looked away as their eyes met. This conversation was not going to go over well. She could almost see Faith building up her walls that Buffy was so sure she'd broken past before.

"We didn't take a huge step back, Faith."

"Feels like it."

"Well, we didn't. It was just a kiss..."

"Felt like a hell of a lot more than just a kiss, B."

"What did it feel like then?" Buffy asked, curious to see what she really thought although she knew Faith wouldn't let those walls of hers down enough to really speak her mind just yet.

"I told you I don't know!"

Faith's hands were shaking as she took a couple swigs from the bottle and handed it back to Buffy. This was definitely a side of her Buffy had never seen. This was not the Faith she thought she knew, then again, even through the last seven years, there were still a lot of things Buffy didn't know about her. It never usually bothered her, but it was tonight. Faith was acting nervous, agitated and looking conflicted every time she looked at Buffy and their eyes met for just a second.

Her heart was racing, pushing the alcohol through her body that much quicker. She knew she should slow down and yet she took another swig from the bottle, letting the alcohol burn its way down her throat.

"I want to know what's been going on with you lately," Faith said softly as she reached for the bottle and wrestled it from Buffy's tight grip. "You've been acting weird for awhile now. What's going on, B?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"You do. You know exactly what I'm talking about and you just don't want to fucking tell me. Why is that?" Faith asked. Her voice was thick with accusation and a hint of anger. "Thought we were friends now? I thought we could talk to each other about anything?"

"We are friends, Faith."

"Then why can't you talk to me?"

"Because," she mumbled under her breath quietly.

"That's not a fucking answer, Buffy."

"What do you want me to say then?" Buffy asked, her voice rising slightly as she wrestled back the bottle. "You have no idea what's been going on lately. It's been going on a lot longer than 'lately' too. Try the last year or so!"

"I have no idea cos you aren't fucking talking to me!"

Buffy breathed out heavily, forcing back her own anger and the tears she could feel building as she took a healthy swig and set the bottle, nearly empty now, down in front of her. Everything she wanted to say right then and there was on the tip of her tongue and she was biting it back, holding herself back. This wasn't how she wanted to tell Faith how she felt about her. This wasn't how this talk was supposed to go either. No matter what was said from this point on it seriously wasn't going to end well and tears would be shed, mostly by Buffy. She knew that much.

"This have something to do with Satsu?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"You," Buffy whispered so quietly she could barely hear herself.

"Me? What about me?"

Buffy laughed and shook her head, "Nothing. Forget I even said anything."

"Seriously, B. What is it?" Faith asked as she sat up and stared straight at her. "Whatever is going on with you has something to do with me so I think I have every right to know whatever the hell it is."

"I..." Buffy sighed out, wishing she wasn't already feeling the effects of the alcohol. It was blurring her mind and making the room spin around her. "It's nothing."

"Doesn't sound like it."

"What do you want me to say, Faith?" She asked, her voice cracking with emotion.

"How about the truth?"

"You do realize how hard it is for me to...forget about it, Faith. I don't want to talk about this."

"Too fucking bad, B. We're talking about it. Now let's hear it," Faith said firmly as she took the bottle and stared down at what was left. "Well?"

"We shouldn't talk about this while we're drunk."

"I'm barely feeling it. You're the one who is drunk. Now let's hear it, Buffy. Before I get pissed off and leave."

Buffy swallowed the lump that was rising in her throat and she looked down at her hands in her lap as she struggled to find a way to tell Faith what she was feeling without actually telling her. No matter what she said, Faith already would know it was about her. She'd let it slip and now she's dug herself into a hole she couldn't climb out of.

"B, look," Faith sighed as she moved a little closer to her and took one of her hands in her own. "Whatever it is, it can't be that hard to tell me, can it?"

"Harder than you'd think."

"You are afraid, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because of what I feel," Buffy replied quietly.

"Feel what?"

"I'm..." She sighed as she closed her eyes, knowing she had to say it now. "I'm in love with you."

Faith let go of her hand and moved back to where she'd been sitting before, her eyes wide and her jaw dropped open slightly. Buffy felt like she was suffocating with the way Faith was staring at her. She felt like she was coming out all over again only the feeling of rejection was bigger than it had been before. A few very tense minutes passed before Faith let out a soft chuckle as she shook her head and drank the last of the whiskey.

Buffy felt sick, unsure if it was the whiskey she'd drank that was making her feel that way or if it was because Faith hadn't said a word in the last five minutes.

"Faith..."

"You are in love with me?" Faith burst out, cutting her off before she could say anything else. "You are _in_ love with me?"

"I..." Buffy stammered, unable to find the words to respond to her.

"How can you be in love with me, B?"

"I just am."

"How long?" Faith demanded.

"Uh..." She knew how long. She knew she'd have to tell her whether she wanted or not.

"How long have you felt this way about me?"

Buffy took a deep breath and let it out slowly before responding. "Little over a year, maybe longer."

Faith breathed out slowly, suppressing her laughter as she stood up and began pacing. "You weren't ever gonna tell me, were you?"

"No."

"How can you be in love with me, Buffy? You're with Satsu! Shouldn't you be in love with _her_?"

"That's the million dollar question, isn't it?" Buffy responded coldly. "It's not like I asked to feel this way, Faith. These things just happen."

"Is that why you kissed me back the way you did? Because you are in love with me?"

"I..."

"Seriously, B. Tell me the truth. Lay it all out in the fucking open," Faith snapped as she stopped pacing and looked down at her. "Is that why you've been acting...jealous whenever you're around me and Josh?"

"Yeah," she replied in a small voice. "I told you, it's not like I asked to feel this way about you! You're supposed to be my best friend. I'm not supposed to fall in love with my best friend!"

The tears started falling then. She was unable to control her emotions, mostly because of the intense situation, the drunken confrontation that she knew should have happened when they were sober. But it was mostly because of the alcohol too. Everything was falling apart on her, she was falling apart. Faith wasn't taking this well at all and she didn't blame her for that either. Finding out your best friend is in love with you has got to be one of the hardest things to hear.

"I'm just gonna go," Faith said quietly as she picked up her jacket from where she'd dropped it near the stairs and slipped it on. "I'll uh...I'll see you around I guess...yeah."

With that she was gone and Buffy was left there sitting alone in the quiet, nearly dark basement, her tears still falling, slowly now. She'd been flat out rejected. She expected that though. It wasn't like Faith was available to act on her feelings, if she even had any feelings for her. The rejection was expected and yet it was still heart-wrenching. It pulled her down and apart, making her feel more alien than she ever had felt before in her entire existence.

She felt dejected, angry at herself for even allowing the words to slip from her drunken lips. She pounded the mats with her fists and got up on unsteady legs. She wiped away her tears and took in a few deep breaths. Maybe Faith would have forgotten it all by the time the morning rolled around. It was all she could hope for. Everything that was said had derailed their friendship. She didn't need to hear it; she knew it would never be the same between them now. She could feel it and she didn't like it. It was worse than trying to deal with the fact that she was in love with Faith and there was nothing she could do to feel any differently.

Climbing up the stairs slowly, she continued to furiously wipe away at the tears that just wouldn't stop falling. She stopped in the kitchen to get herself a glass of water and she stood there in the dark next to the sink, gripping the glass with one hand and the counter with the other. She tried to stop crying when she heard the soft footsteps coming down the stairs and the most she was able to do was stop the torrent of tears until all that came out were choked sobs.

"Buffy?" Dawn asked tiredly as she flipped on the kitchen light. "What are you...are you crying?"

"Go back to bed, Dawn."

Dawn walked up behind her and leaned over to look at her. "You're crying and you're drunk? Didn't you have patrol with Faith tonight?"

"Yes."

"Did something happen?"

"Something like that," Buffy sighed out as she turned to look at Dawn. "What are you doing up? It's late."

"I couldn't sleep because _someone_ has been crying a lot louder than they probably think they are," she joked as she put an arm around Buffy's shoulders. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"It might make you feel better."

"Believe me, Dawnie. Nothing is going to make me feel better right now."

"Let me make you a cup of coffee and we'll sit down and talk about it."

"No, I think I'm just going to head up to bed. It's been a very long, tiring day."

Dawn frowned as she grabbed onto Buffy's arm as she turned to walk away. "Whatever happened tonight, it's not worth crying over."

"You have no idea what happened tonight," Buffy said under her breath as she walked out of the kitchen and headed upstairs.

She stopped outside of Satsu's bedroom door, hesitating then pulling her hand back before she reached for the doorknob. She couldn't see her tonight. Not after what she'd just put herself through with Faith. There'd be questions she was far from ready to answer. She closed her eyes for a moment before she turned and walked down the hallway to her room.

She kept the lights off and made sure her door was locked. She stripped out of her clothes, still walking on unsteady legs, the room, even in darkness, spinning out of control around her. She fell face first onto her bed, breathing in deeply as she struggled with the covers. She managed to pull the covers over her and wrap them around her after a bit of a fight. Her mind was racing and as tired as the rest of her body was, she couldn't quiet her thoughts long enough to fall asleep and hope to hell that when she woke up this would have just been a nightmare.

It was no nightmare. It was her life.

If it couldn't be a nightmare she wanted a do-over. She wanted to go back to earlier this night and prevent the drunken confrontation from ever happening. But sadly this was reality and there were no such thing in life as a do-over. Buffy rolled over her back, letting the tears fall, finding it pointless to even try to stop them now. She had no idea what kind of ramifications that were going to follow the events of the night. The sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach made her fear the worst, made her fear that she had lost the friendship with Faith they had spent the last seven years trying to grow and hold together.

She was still awake, and sober, when the first rays of sunlight began to rise. She could only stare blankly up at the same spot on the ceiling she'd just spent the last five hours staring at. She continuously went over the moment those words had slipped out of her mouth and the look on Faith's face immediately afterwards. She'd seen so much going through the depths of Faith's eyes in that moment and the minutes that followed. She was still trying to figure out what she'd seen, what Faith had been feeling and thinking after hearing her say what she had said to her.

'I'm in love with you'

It was a ghostly whisper, one that was still lingering on her lips, her own voice, so sure and yet so afraid, echoing in her mind. She ignored the insistent knocking on her door barely an hour later and she ignored the constant ringing of her cell phone she had left on her dresser. By noon the faded whisper of her own words was nearly gone and she got up out of bed, showered and dressed and finally made an appearance downstairs.

The instant she walked into the kitchen she wished she'd just stayed in bed for the entire day. Faith was there with Josh and they were talking with Willow, laughing and drinking coffee while Kennedy and Dawn made a spread of assorted sandwiches. She was about to turn around and walk out of the kitchen when Satsu came up from behind her and wrapped her arms around her waist.

"About time you woke up," she whispered softly into her ear. "Dawn told me you were rather upset last night. I came to check on you earlier but you didn't answer the door."

"Sorry."

"You know you can talk to me about whatever made you upset," Satsu said as she turned Buffy around so she could look at her. "If you don't want to, that's fine too."

Buffy forced a smile, knowing she really didn't deserve to be with someone like her. Satsu deserved to be with someone that could love her as much as she loved them and Buffy would never be that woman for Satsu. Buffy could feel all eyes on her and Satsu and when she turned around everyone but Faith quickly looked away.

Their eyes met and locked, both of them trying to reach out to one another, read each other's thoughts through the wide open space between them. She had to break away from the gaze when she felt Satsu slide a hand into hers. She looked over at Satsu, forcing yet another smile as she let her pull her over to the table and they sat down. She still felt Faith's eyes on her and she willed herself not to look back over at her. It was causing too many emotions to fly, jealousy of the fact that Josh possessively had his arms wrapped around her. She could feel his eyes on her too, almost as if he was daring her to look back at him and Faith. She wasn't going to give in. It was already too much trying to deal with her feelings and trying to deal with the fact she'd told Faith that she was in love with her.

"Are you feeling okay today, Buffy?"

"I'm fine. Just a little tired," she replied, squeezing Satsu's hand gently before letting go. "We still on for tonight?"

"Of course," Satsu smiled. "I thought you might have forgotten about our date."

"Saturday nights have always been our date night," Buffy replied quietly. "It's also our only night off. Of course I haven't forgotten about it."

"You want to go to the club tonight? Or we can do whatever you want to do, Buffy."

She leaned over and gave her a light kiss, hoping for those sparks she knew would never be there no matter how much she wanted them to be. It was hard enough as it was for her to show any affection towards Satsu in front of anyone else, but she was finding it nearly impossible now. Satsu tried to kiss her again and she shook her head no as she pulled back.

"Later, when we are alone, I'll make it up to you," Buffy whispered, reaching for her hand and giving her a reassuring smile. "I promise."

Satsu only nodded, her lips pressed together tightly as if she was forcing herself not to say a word. She might not have known Satsu for as long as she'd known Faith and the rest of her friends, but she could read her a lot better. Satsu's emotions were always laid out in the open for all to see, especially for her and the one emotion, a lingering one, flashed over her dark eyes. She was hurt.

That same look, that same lingering emotion was in Faith's eyes as well when she finally allowed herself to look back over at her. Faith however had a thousand other emotions fleeting through her own dark eyes, a thousand other emotions Buffy wasn't sure were what she thought she saw. She took in a deep breath when Faith mouthed 'we have to talk'. Continuing their talk was inevitable and as much as Buffy didn't want to continue their talk from the night before, she knew they had to.

She had a feeling that the drunken confrontation would turn into a sober confrontation and she wasn't so sure neither her emotions nor her heart could handle any more of it. She'd already said too much and not enough. She wasn't ready to take that next step. She wasn't ready to be confronted. Again.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Notes: This chapter just cranked itself out, mostly during one of my lunch breaks at work. I apologize if there's any typos. I'm tired, I got to work in the morn (yes on a Sunday, so wrong) so enjoy :)

* * *

Afternoon training went as scheduled. Buffy found herself lounging on the stack of extra mats in the basement watching Satsu and Kennedy go through a round of sparring together. Faith sat on the floor in front of her, her back against the mats as she flipped through an old Garage magazine. They hadn't said a word to each other in the last two hours they'd been down in the basement and Buffy wasn't sure if she was relieved or if it worried her.

Faith was definitely acting strangely around her. Who could blame her though, she did just find out the night before that the woman she knew as her best friend was in love with her nearly four years after she had attempted a move on Buffy first. How else was she supposed to react? Buffy knew she was finding the tension between them had increased and she was afraid to even start up any sort of casual conversation with her in fear that it would turn into yet another confrontation.

"Stop dropping your left shoulder," Kennedy said to Satsu as she stopped circling her. "Every time you drop your left shoulder you give away your next move."

"I don't think anything else is going to notice that when I'm fighting them."

"Maybe not, but we're taught to always be prepared for anything. You and Buffy do the same thing, always dropping the shoulder when you're about to throw a punch," Kennedy replied as she shook her head and grabbed her bottle of water from the floor where she'd left it. "Buffy? You and Faith have the floor."

Buffy looked up at the same time as Faith did and even though she couldn't see the look on Faith's face, she knew she was about to object. The look on Kennedy's face however made Buffy wonder what she knew. She grabbed Satsu and pulled her up the stairs, leaving Buffy and Faith down there in the basement alone.

"We should probably..."

"Yeah, but I want to talk," Faith said as she closed the magazine and tossed it to the pile of them before she turned to look at Buffy. "Were you for real last night, B? Or was that just the alcohol talking?"

"I..."

"Cos I have to tell you, B. Here I thought the kiss threw me for one hell of a loop," she said as she pulled herself up from the floor and faced Buffy. "If you are for real, B, tell me."

"I meant it."

"And it wasn't just cos we'd been drinking?"

"That..." Buffy said slowly as she slid off the mats and straightened out her shirt. "Was what you called liquid courage, wasn't it not?"

"You needed to be drunk to tell me?" Faith laughed sarcastically as she flipped the station on the radio and in a bout of frustration, she ended up just turning it off. "You in love with your girl too or..."

"Just you," Buffy whispered in reply, her eyes immediately lowering to the floor in front of her.

"I see."

"Faith, I told you, it's not like I asked to feel this way about you! These things just happen."

"I know they do."

"I'll completely understand if you don't want to, you know, be friends anymore," Buffy muttered as she kept her eyes fixed to the floor.

"What are we twelve or something, B?" Faith laughed as she stepped in front of her and gently lifted her head so she would look up at her. "Just cos you feel the way you do isn't gonna ruin our friendship. I'd never let that happen."

"It already feels..."

"Weird?"

"Yeah."

"Got to tell you one thing though, B," Faith said with a genuine yet small, shy smile as she took a couple steps back. "I never saw this coming. Kind of still recovering from the shock and surprise of it all."

"It doesn't make you feel..."

"I don't know what it makes me feel," Faith interjected before Buffy could say another word. "You aren't the only one who didn't sleep last night."

"How did you..."

"Just know you didn't either. The bags under your eyes, the way you keep yawning and trying not to doze off. All telling signs. Anyone could pick up on it. There is also the fact that telling one of your best friends you feel that way would be enough to keep you awake all night thinking of ways to take back what you said. Besides all of that, how you gonna get through your date tonight without falling asleep?"

"I'll manage."

"You gonna tell her?"

"Tell her what?"

"How you feel about me."

"Why?"

Faith sighed as she stared at Buffy intensely. "Doesn't exactly seem fair to her, B. I mean, being with someone who is in love with someone else...it's not gonna end well, believe me."

Buffy sighed heavily as she sat back down on the stack of mats and brought her knees to her chest. She knew Faith was right. It wasn't fair to Satsu. She was going through her own little shock and surprise with how well Faith was handling this. At least that was how she appeared on the outside. Her tone was light, slightly clipped at the end of her sentences, but Buffy knew that's just how Faith was at times. She knew her long enough now not to read too much into her tone when her body language was saying something else entirely.

She looked up at the ceiling as she faintly heard Kennedy and Satsu talking up in the kitchen. She couldn't make out what they were saying, but she did know that if she could hear them, they could possibly hear her and Faith as well. She looked over at Faith standing a few feet away from her, her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes studying her intensely. She wanted so desperately to know what was going through Faith's head at that moment. The silence between them made her nervous.

Then again, everything about Faith made her nervous now. Just knowing Faith knew how she felt about her now and seeing how she was taking it all made her nervous. It was hard to predict anything when it came to Faith. She'd changed a lot over the last seven years and the more Buffy thought about it, the more she wondered if it was changes that had happened or if it was the fact that she'd finally given Faith the chance and got to know who she really was without pushing her away as she had in the past.

"We should get in some sparring, B. We'll talk about this some other time."

"Okay."

"This doesn't change anything about our friendship, you know that right?"

"I'm not too sure about that," Buffy said quietly as she stayed right where she was on the mats.

Faith groaned as she walked over to her and grabbed both of her hands and pulled her up to her feet. "It doesn't. It _won't_ cos I won't let it."

Buffy looked away from her as she pulled her hands from Faith's tight grasp. She wasn't in the mood to spar, especially not with Faith now. Her body, the slayer inside of her, betrayed her. After stretching out a little bit, they fell into a rhythm only they knew and had during sparring. She remembered what Kennedy had said once that watching the two of them spar was like poetry in motion. Every hit, every block, every punch, jab and kick perfectly timed and in tune with one another. They knew each other's moves inside an out and yet, one of them always surprised the other with that one unexpected move that ended up with them both on the floor, one on top of the other.

Her body again betrayed her at the thought of being pinned against the mats with Faith on top of her. She was thankful Faith was preoccupied with pulling herself up from the floor from an unfortunate fall or else she would have seen the involuntary shiver of pleasure run through her body at those mental images.

When Faith looked up at her, she found she couldn't look away, she couldn't move from where she stood and her eyes burned into Faith's, lost in the depths of them. This was Faith, emotions unguarded, walls down with only herself staring right back at her. This was the Faith she knew she'd fallen in love with; the Faith that made her question her feelings and search for answers from deep within her soul. The tightness in her chest caused her to look away and she shook her head as she sat down on the mats, needing a breather from sparring and from just being so near to her.

"You worn out already?" Faith asked, letting out a low, hearty chuckle. "We barely even started, B."

"I just need a break."

"Fucking intense, isn't it?"

"Isn't it always?"

Faith nodded her head slowly as she sat down where she stood. "Wasn't talking about the sparring, B."

Buffy tried to see just what Faith meant, but when their eyes met she saw the walls had been placed back up around her, her emotions along with her thoughts once again guarded. She breathed heavily, not to catch her breath, but to work up the courage to actually say something. Anything.

"I know."

"We're both tired today," Faith said as if being tired as her excuse for whatever it was she was doing. "I got plans with Josh tonight. I should get back home, shower and try to get some sleep and I think you should do the same thing."

"Oh. Okay."

"You and your girl gonna come by the club tonight?"

"Her name is Satsu."

Faith laughed coldly as she got up from the mats. "I know what her name is."

"And no, we're not coming by the club tonight. We're going somewhere else."

"Just figured you know if you were...well you still owe me a dance from the other night."

Buffy raised an eyebrow at that and watched as Faith headed towards the stairs. She tried to figure out what was going through Faith's head right then, but it was impossible to when she was blocking her out. Faith shrugged as she walked up the stairs without saying another word. Buffy could hear her say goodbye to Kennedy and Satsu and the sound of the front door nearly slamming shut made her shiver and made her feel as if she'd done something that had hurt her, betrayed her.

Just for a split second she wondered if Faith was feeling the way she always did even when Josh was just mentioned briefly. Jealousy truly was a nasty, evil thing, one which she couldn't kill as easily and efficiently like some of the demons she'd come across.

She began to climb the stairs slowly, not really wanting to face Satsu, Kennedy or anyone else in her tired, deterred state. All she wanted was a hot shower and a bed and hopefully get a few much needed hours of sleep. Satsu would never forgive her if she fell asleep during dinner or the movie they had planned to go see. She wasn't even so sure she'd make it through the night, through her and Satsu's date, without thinking about Faith as she always found herself thinking about when she stopped trying to control the thoughts that were always there in her mind, her heart, and her soul.

She managed to bypass both Satsu and Kennedy on her way up to her room and she collapsed on the bed, her body instantly giving into sleep. Her dreams, as always, were full of Faith and gave answers to all the 'what if's' that she ever had when it came to Faith. Even in her dream-like state, she couldn't control how she felt nor could she control her actions or her thoughts that swarmed her mind. She couldn't control her hands that wandered, that touched the skin they craved for. She couldn't control her lips as they kissed and tasted what she'd been craving for what felt like far too long.

Not knowing how long she'd been asleep and dreaming, she woke with a jolt, her body rife with sexual tension she knew nothing would touch it, satisfy it the way Faith could in her dreams. The faint yet distinct ache between her thighs made her groan out in frustration as she pulled the pillow over her head and hoped that for once she could fall asleep without thoughts of Faith, without dreams that were full of her.

It'd never happen. Her heart belonged to Faith. Every ounce and every inch of her being, her heart and her soul belonged to Faith. She closed her eyes tightly, seeing nothing but Faith as her conscious treaded at the thin lines of her dream world. She gave in, deciding not to fight it any longer. She needed to sleep and with her mind always on Faith, it was nearly impossible just to push her out. If this was the only way she'd have her then that was how it'd have to be.

****

Two hours before her and Satsu's date, Buffy found herself in a nearly empty and quiet house. Trying to find a way to pass the time while she waited on the shower to become available, she took the garbage out, shivering as soon as she stepped out the side door.

"Hey," Faith said quietly from where she stood by the fence. "Thought you would have been out on your date by now?"

"Satsu is in the shower and I have to still get ready. What are you doing here?"

"Been looking for my leather jacket. Couldn't find it at the apartment so I figured I had to have left it here. Came by to look for it."

She stood there with her hands jammed into her pockets, not even bothering to look up at Buffy as she tossed the bags into the metal garbage cans. As Buffy turned to walk back in the house, Faith reached out and stopped her.

"Buffy I want..."

"What?"

"I want to kiss you."

"What?" Buffy repeated, jerking her arm away from her. "You want to what now?"

"I want to kiss you," Faith said again, barely above a whisper. "Been thinking about it since I left earlier. I can't stop either. I just know that I want to kiss you."

"Why?"

"Cos. I know I felt something there between us the other night and I want to see if..."

Buffy shook her head in disbelief. "You want to see what? If there's any sparks?"

Faith didn't look at her as she shrugged. "Yeah."

"Oh. Did you come here to look for your jacket or to ask me that?"

"Both."

"I see."

"Look, Buffy..."

"Faith, we had time to talk about this last night. We had time this afternoon and both times you've walked away and right now..." Buffy sighed as she waited for Faith to look at her. "Right now I need to go get ready to go on a date with my girlfriend. I can't deal with this right now."

"I...Buffy I just want one kiss. I need to know."

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. She was angry, slightly confused and all the while she was trying to hide the fact she was deliriously happy that Faith wanted to kiss her. Her heart was racing in anticipation of actually kissing Faith again. Her mind was telling her she shouldn't, that it'd be wrong to kiss her now that Faith actually knew how Buffy felt about her. Her heart however was singing an entirely different tune.

"You're playing me, aren't you?"

"What? No. I am not playing you, B."

"You just need to know if there is anything between us, right? You need to know this why?"

"Cos I can't stop thinking about what you said to me last night and I can't fucking stop thinking about how it felt to kiss you the other night either. I'm going crazy here, B."

"And how do you think I'm feeling right now with you telling me you want to kiss me?"

"I don't know."

"It's playing games, Faith. How would you feel if you were in my position? What would you do?"

"I don't know, Buffy!" Faith sighed out as she took a few steps closer to her. "I'm a goddamn mess right now. I am thinking thoughts I know I shouldn't even have about you, not when the only one I'm supposed to be thinking about like that is Josh. I'm with him and I love him."

Her voice faltered at the end, her eyes immediately drifting to the ground as if she didn't believe the words coming out of her own mouth. Buffy tried to catch her wandering eyes, looking for those answers she hoped that this time she'd actually find.

Whatever it was that was happening between them now, nothing was going to be able to stop it. Buffy shivered again, this time from the cold and from the sudden, bold step forward she took that brought her closer to Faith. The gradual, shy way Faith lifted her head and allowed her eyes to meet with Buffy's reminded her of the way Faith was in her dreams. She watched her lick her lips slowly, mesmerized by the swift, slow movements of her tongue and wanting nothing more than to pull Faith to her and kiss her, just like she wanted to.

"Is that what you want, Faith? To kiss me?" She asked quietly as she hesitated for a moment before running her hands over Faith's arms and to her shoulders. "What about after?"

"I don't know. Haven't thought that far yet."

"I thought..."

"Buffy," Faith sighed out as she backed her up to the side of the house, both of them breathing heavily as Buffy found herself trapped in a position one too many times she'd dreamt of and spent hours fantasizing about. "Nobody has ever made me feel the way you did when you kissed me back the way you did the other night, but we were drinking and I really do need to know if it was the alcohol that made me feel that way or if it was you. I'm not playing any games here and I'm not playing you. I'm stopping myself from jumping to conclusions I'm not quite ready for."

"What conclusions?"

"That I might just...feel the same way you do about me. That I still feel the same way I did before."

Buffy knew she should just stop her, push her away and go back into the house before they took it that one step further. Her heart couldn't handle being torn like this, being played even though Faith claimed she wasn't doing that. It was exactly what that was.

"Why now?" Buffy asked with her lips so close to Faith's she could feel her hot breath upon her own. "Why now, Faith?"

She answered her only with a slight shrug as she gently kissed her. Buffy breathed in heavily, willing herself to stop, to push her away, but she couldn't. It was what she wanted too. It was only going to cause more of a riff between them, but she wasn't thinking too much of the consequences that would follow as she slipped her hands to the back of Faith's neck and pulled her in for a deep, passionate kiss.

Her body felt warm against the stark contrast of the cold that surrounded them. Everything about that moment felt right. Too right for Buffy to find it in her to push Faith away, to stop her from kissing her, to stop her hands from wandering from her hips to the soft, gentle curve of her breasts through her thin sweater. This went beyond just wanting to know if there was something between them. This went beyond that New Years Eve kiss. Beyond anything she could comprehend.

"Faith...stop..." Buffy moaned as her strong fingers continued to explore. "Faith."

"You want me to stop?" Faith asked breathlessly, licking her kiss swollen lips as she lowered her hands and took a step back. "I don't think you want me to stop, B."

"I should just...go inside."

"What about my jacket?"

"What's wrong with the one you're wearing now?"

"It's not the one I've been looking for."

Buffy composed herself as the side door opened abruptly and a rather pissed off looking Satsu stood there, freshly showered and dressed with a towel around her wet hair. Buffy was about to panic thinking maybe they'd been caught, but realized there was no way Satsu could have seen them from the door or any of the windows at that side of the house.

"Shower is free," she said coldly as she held open the door. "Faith," she said to her, noting her presence.

Buffy walked in the house quickly, not bothering to look back at either of them as she headed straight for the stairs. She was stopped by Kennedy who had a look of accusing shock on her face and before she could blink or say a word, Kennedy was dragging her up the stairs.

"What did I just see?" She demanded in a harsh whisper. "Buffy, what did I just see?"

"What are you talking about?" Buffy asked as innocently as she could manage in her flustered state.

"You and Faith at the side of the house," she said pointedly and scoffed when Buffy only shrugged her shoulders. "Is there something going on with you and Faith?"

"No."

"You sure about that, Buffy?"

"No."

Kennedy shook her head, sighing loudly as she pulled Buffy into her and Willow's room. Buffy didn't want to be confronted about something nobody should have seen and with the way Kennedy was glaring at her, she knew she'd have to come up with an explanation or at least some kind of explanation that wasn't quite the truth.

"What is she doing here?"

"She came to find a jacket she'd misplaced when she moved out."

"Honestly that's the stupidest excuse in the book," Kennedy laughed cruelly. "How long has this been going on between you two?"

"Nothing is going on between us!"

"I disagree," she responded and shook her head, laughing incredulously as Buffy tried to open the door. "Look, Buffy. Satsu is my friend too and what I saw outside will break her heart if she ever finds out about it. How long has this been going on with you and Faith?"

"I told you. There is _nothing_ going on between us. It was just...a kiss with uh, minimal and unintentional groping. Now, if you don't mind, Kennedy, I'd like for you to keep quiet about this."

"I thought nothing was going on?"

"There isn't!" Buffy hissed as she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. "Don't even say anything to Will, okay? I have to get ready to go out. We'll talk later."

"You know she won't leave Josh for you," Kennedy said quietly as Buffy reached for the doorknob and gripped it tightly. "He's the best thing to have ever happened to her."

Buffy ignored her, pushed past her bubbling anger over being caught and confronted by Kennedy of all people and walked out of the bedroom and to her own. Satsu walked past her door as she closed it, asking her if they were still going out. Buffy just grunted a half-hearted reply before she shut the door, locked it and let out a breath she wasn't aware she'd been holding since she walked away from Kennedy.

Her hands were shaking as she went through the clothes hanging in the closet and her eyes were brimming with tears as she tried to shake off the multitude off feelings currently coursing through her body at a rate that was far from normal.

She was so far beyond in trouble now with her feelings for Faith. She knew she was completely and royally screwed.


	5. Chapter 5

The restaurant was quiet, dimly lit. It would be rather romantic if Buffy had been able to stop thinking about Faith for more than a minute at a time. She and Satsu had barely said a word to each other since arriving at the small, casual and intimate Italian restaurant just a few blocks from the house. It had been Satsu's choice to go to Tony's and it was the one place they always went to on their dates if they didn't go to the club instead.

The waiter came around to bring their second bottle of white wine, smiling at both of them as he topped up their glasses and set the bottle down on the table. Buffy immediately reached for her glass, taking a tentative sip as she stared across the small table at Satsu.

There was no denying that she was beautiful and sexy and sweet and she did send those shivers down Buffy's spine, just not quite the same way as Faith did or as intense. She knew how wrong it was to string Satsu along the way she had been, but when she thought about it, she did have feelings for her, deep feelings but it wasn't quite love. It'd never be love between them, not when she was so completely in love with Faith she couldn't see anything beyond that.

"Are you okay tonight? You've been awfully quiet," Satsu said softly as she reached out for Buffy's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Just thinking. It's nothing, Satsu. Don't worry about it."

"If you say so."

"Maybe we should just go back to the house tonight. I haven't been sleeping too well the last couple of days and I just want to..."

"Curl up on the couch and pretend to watch TV?" Satsu asked and laughed quietly as Buffy nodded her head. "We can do that if that's what you want."

"I'm sorry we can't do anything fun tonight."

"It's not a big deal, Buffy. Just spending alone time with you is all I want," Satsu smiled sincerely. "I feel like we don't spend nearly enough time together."

"I'm sorry about that too."

Satsu intertwined their fingers and smiled at her again. It was one of those smiles that warmed her heart and she felt a wave of guilt as her mind, once again, flashed to thinking of Faith. How she wished it was Faith sitting there across from her, Faith holding her hand, Faith smiling at her like that.

Dates with Satsu had never felt so awkward before. Buffy let go of her hand and reached for her glass of wine, lowering her eyes away from Satsu as she took a rather healthy sip. She closed her eyes as she felt that warm, familiar hum course through her body. As the hum in her body intensified, she glanced over at the doorway, watching as a handful of people walked inside. She gulped and took another healthy sip of her wine when she saw Faith and Josh behind the group of people who had come inside the restaurant.

"Great," she muttered under her breath as Faith spotted them and smiled a little. "Of all the places they had to come here."

"Who?"

"Faith and Josh," she replied as she looked back at Satsu.

"Should we ask them to join us?"

Buffy shook her head no. "Tonight is about you and me, Satsu."

"A little late for that," Satsu replied as Faith and Josh came over and sat at the table next to them. "Hey guys."

"Hey," Josh smiled brightly at the two of them as he pulled out a chair for Faith before sitting down across from her. "Hope you don't mind if we join you?"

"No, we don't mind," Satsu replied with a forced, polite smile.

Buffy looked over at Faith, their eyes meeting and holding for longer than a friendly gaze. Buffy sighed as she forced herself to look away, her eyes meeting with Satsu's but it wasn't quite the same. There was no intensity. No sparks or shivers that went through her from just a look. She stole a quick look over at Josh as he ordered for both him and Faith.

The hand she had in her lap balled into a tight fist as she watched him smile at the waiter then lean over and give Faith a rather chaste kiss. She reached for her glass of wine, taking a few sips before nearly slamming the glass down on the table in front of her. Her short nails dug into the skin of her hand as she held her fist tighter when she heard Josh whisper to Faith that he loved her. She had heard him say it so many times before and every time it angered her. It threw her down into a tailspin of relentless anger and jealously she just could no longer control.

The one thing she just realized was in all the times Josh had publically declared his love for Faith to her, Faith never once had said it back to him. The thought of that made Buffy loosen her fist and relax, only a little. Everything around her faded out as her eyes drifted over to Faith yet again. She looked uncomfortable sitting there and she refused to look over at Buffy as she let Josh take her hand in his. The smile she gave him was fake and forced and Buffy was torn from looking at her at the feel of Satsu's hand as she gently reached out for her.

She couldn't wait to eat and get out of there. After kissing Faith like that, it was all she could think about. Satsu definitely knew something was up with her since they left the house and yet she had said nothing to her about it. She was a little angry Faith and Josh had shown up and took a seat at the table right next to them. How was she going to pay attention to her own girlfriend when the woman she loved and would rather be with was right there?

Right there and now looking at her with only one thing in her eyes; desire.

Buffy involuntarily shivered as an endless stream of lascivious thoughts went through her mind with just that look Faith had in her eyes. She looked back at Satsu, feeling ever so guilty for letting Faith affect her the way she was. She knew it was showing in her own eyes and body language and it was something she was fast becoming unable to control. Add the endless, tormenting feeling of utter jealousy over the way Josh held Faith's hand in plain view and she was an emotional wreck.

"Buffy, maybe you should slow down on the wine?" Satsu said calmly, reaching for Buffy's glass before she could. "You've had too much already."

"I'm fine."

"Our food hasn't even come yet. At this rate you'll be passed out before the appetizers are even on the table."

Buffy bit her tongue, wanting to respond to Satsu's cold tone with one of her own. She just mumbled a barely heard 'fine' under her breath and sat back in her chair. This was going to be the longest dinner she'd had with Satsu yet. It seriously could not be done and over with fast enough.

****

The walk home from the restaurant was uneventful and full of coldness between the two, colder than the chilly breeze in the air. Buffy knew Satsu had noticed she'd looked over at Faith one too many times during dinner. The lump in her throat was rising ever strongly as they approached the house.

"Do you still want to cuddle on the couch with me for a couple hours?" Buffy asked as she reached into her jacket pocket for her keys.

"Of course. Let me just get out of these clothes and into something warmer."

"Meet you down here in five?"

"Sure," Satsu replied with her first genuine smile in the last two hours.

Buffy waited for her to go upstairs before she went up to her room. She was already unbuttoning her soft white silk blouse Dawn had bought for her for Christmas before she even reached her room. She sighed out loudly into the empty quiet of her bedroom as she slipped off the shirt and tossed it on the wooden chair by the window.

She had to make an attempt to be the girlfriend Satsu needed her to be. She couldn't let the thoughts of Faith drive her away from what she knew _was_ a good thing for her. Despite how much in love she knew she was with Faith, she wasn't with her in the literal sense and who knew if she'd ever get that chance. She was so deep in her own thoughts of Faith she didn't hear Satsu come into the room. She shivered as Satsu ran her hands from her shoulders down the length of her bare back, stopping as she reached the top of her pants.

"I thought..."

"It feels like it has been days, Buffy," she whispered against her skin as she placed light kisses along her shoulders and neck. "One day that feels like forever."

Buffy closed her eyes as Satsu trailed her hands lightly around to her stomach and popped open the button on her black dress pants. She stopped her, grabbing onto both of her hands gently and turned around to look at her. She gave her the look that said 'not tonight' and looked away before she could see the look of disappointment from rejection in Satsu's eyes.

Satsu reluctantly made her way to the door, her head hung low as she walked out and quietly closed the door behind her. Buffy quickly changed into a pair of sweats she usually wore during sparring and an old t-shirt; the black faded so much it was now a dark grey. She took her hair out of the up-do she had it in and made her way to the bathroom to wash off what little makeup she'd put on. All that effort she'd put into a two hour date. She shook her head as she ran the water in the sink, staring at herself and seeing for herself the guilt in her eyes.

As soon as she heard the sound of the TV on downstairs, she pulled her hair back into a lose bun and made her way down to the living room. Satsu lay stretched out on the couch in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt herself and she had the remote in her hand, aimlessly flipping through the channels trying to find something on. She looked up at Buffy as she slowly approached her and she moved a little for Buffy to lie down in front of her.

Buffy let out a content sigh as Satsu slipped an arm around her, her fingers teasing the skin just below the hem of her shirt. Although she wasn't in the mood, with the way Satsu was subtly touching her, it wouldn't take her much longer to succumb to Satsu's needs. As far as she knew, they were alone in the house and would be for at least another hour or two.

"Nothing on?" Buffy asked softly as she watched as Satsu held the remote in her free hand and continued to flip through the channels.

"Nope," she replied as she stopped on an old movie, one they'd seen one too many times and tossed the remote onto the coffee table. "Regretting turning me down upstairs now?"

"A little bit."

"Don't feel you have to keep it that way," she whispered as Buffy turned to face her, her own hands finding the familiar curves of Satsu's side and back.

Satsu's determined lips captured Buffy's in an instant. Buffy tried to just enjoy the kiss. Satsu knew how to kiss her, how to touch her to the point where all she could do was sigh out and moan and whimper. The kiss was deep, it was passionate and full of fury, much like that first kiss that night Satsu had her pressed up against the front door. She started thinking about Faith, knowing now was the wrong time to let those thoughts of Faith flutter through her mind. She just wanted it to be Faith kissing her like that, Faith's hands under her shirt and gently caressing her soft, warm skin.

She stopped her as Satsu cautiously slid her hand down the front of her sweats. She would kiss her, make out on the couch with her like they were lust-driven teenagers, but fucking on the couch was one thing she never wanted to do even though nobody else was home and if she let herself admit she actually wanted it, she'd be worked up to the point of needing that release despite where they were and despite who was dominating her thoughts.

Satsu didn't let it stop her from kissing Buffy as she gripped her waist with such force as she pulled Buffy on top of her fully. Without even thinking about the implications of her actions, Buffy rolled her hips into Satsu's as she deepened the kiss. She found it impossible to control herself. With the wine, thoughts of Faith and with the way Satsu kissed her, she was fast becoming nearly painfully turned on and desperate for some kind of release and soon.

"Are you sure you don't want to take this upstairs?" Satsu whispered against her lips as Buffy rolled her hips harder into hers. "Buffy?"

"Mm-hmm," she moaned softly as she pulled Satsu's lips back to hers with such force it was almost painful. "Later."

Before the kiss could continue there was a soft knock on the front door. Buffy pulled away from her abruptly and stood up and straightened out her clothes and calmed her erratic breathing just a little. She gave her an apologetic smile as she walked out of the living room and to the front door. Her body was buzzing, humming intensely and she knew who was there on the other side of the door before she even opened it. She debated against even answering it for a split second, then shook her head and unlocked the door and opened it.

Faith stood there with a frown upon her face at the state Buffy was in. She was alone and even in the dim light coming from inside the house, she could swear she saw what looked like tears in Faith's eyes. She knew that look as she'd seen it a few times before. She and Josh had another fight. She stepped aside and let Faith walk into the warm house and she quickly shut the door behind her.

"Sorry to come here when you...you know," she muttered as she jammed her hands into the front pocket of her jeans. "Josh is being an asshole again and I couldn't go back to the apartment with him. He needs a couple of hours to cool off. You know how he gets sometimes."

"It's okay," Buffy replied quietly. "We were just watching TV."

Faith laughed a little as she looked into the living room as Satsu slowly sat up on the couch. "Watching TV? Right. You two mind if I crash here for awhile tonight?"

"We don't mind," Buffy said as she shook her head no.

"I mind," Satsu said to them as they walked into the living room. "This is the one night we get to be together alone, Buffy."

"You know, I could just go downstairs, get a bit of time in on the bag if you two want to be alone?" Faith offered as her eyes burned into Buffy's. "Didn't mean to ruin your night alone."

"Or you could just leave," Satsu replied pointedly, the anger not even suppressed in the slightest.

Buffy sighed out as she sat next to Satsu on the couch. "She's staying."

"Why?"

"Because she has nowhere else to go right now."

"She could always go somewhere else. Plenty of places to go and cool off for a couple of hours away from him," she said coldly as she shrugged Buffy's hand away from her shoulder before she could even reach out to her. "Don't think I don't know what happened between you two earlier."

"What?" Faith choked out as she stood stock still. "What the hell you talking about?"

"You and _my_ girlfriend making out at the side of the house. Don't think I don't know about that or that I don't know how you two feel about each other either."

"Still don't know what the hell you are talking about," Faith said under her breath, playing the 'I'm innocent' card as best as she could. She looked at Buffy, silently pleading with her to go along with it.

Buffy felt useless in this situation. She hadn't thought of how she'd handle it if Satsu had seen them. She should have known she did. She'd been acting like the jealous, scorned girlfriend over the last couple of hours and it was no increasing ten-fold with Faith there. Her own body was aching and for whose touch she wasn't so sure anymore. She felt the flush start from the back of her neck, reaching her ears before it got to her cheeks. She hated blushing and both Satsu and Faith stared at her, both of them most likely wondering what she was blushing over. If only they knew what went through Buffy's mind whenever Faith was near, even when she wasn't.

Faith said nothing as she slipped off her jacket and headed for the door to the basement, looking back at both Buffy and Satsu once before going downstairs. Buffy sighed out as she heard the heavy rock being blasted from the radio and she leaned back into the couch and closed her eyes, silently wishing she was down there with Faith instead of next to a very pissed off Satsu.

Buffy knew she had to somehow make everything right between her and Satsu. It was hard though now that she knew she had been caught outside with Faith earlier.

"What are we going to do?"

"About what?" Satsu asked, her voice so cold and callous it sent a chill through Buffy.

"About us..."

"I don't know. What do you want to do? Do you want to stay with me even though she'll be the only one you'll be thinking of whenever we're together?"

"I..."

"Look, you know that I love you, Buffy. It'd take a lot for me to fall out of love with you. I may be crazy, but what I saw earlier doesn't make me hate you. It makes me angry and upset that you'd do that to me."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't want a meaningless apology. I know you aren't sorry, Buffy."

"But I am!" Buffy sighed out, knowing no matter what she said it would be useless. "I didn't want that to happen. It just did. I'm sorry for not stopping myself or her."

"No, you are just sorry you got caught. I waited this long to wait and see if you'd tell me and you didn't. It makes me wonder if I can even trust you."

"You can trust me," Buffy replied in a small, shaky voice. "I should have said something."

"Let me ask you something," Satsu said as she turned to look at her. "Are you in love with me?"

Buffy wasn't sure how to answer that even though she already knew the answer. She wasn't in love with Satsu; she was more in 'like' with her. There was sexual attraction without a doubt, but that didn't come hand in hand with love. When a few minutes had passed and she hadn't said a word, Satsu shook her head, laughing incredulously as she stood up from the couch.

"I..."

"Don't even try to explain, Buffy. It's a yes or no answer. Obviously you are not in love with me if you can't even answer me."

"I really like you a lot," Buffy sighed softly. "Love, I don't know. It's only been a couple of months, Satsu."

"It doesn't take that long to fall in love with someone if you really like them unless you are already in love with someone else. Are you in love with _her_?"

"Who? Faith?"

"Yes, who else do you think I'd be talking about? Or are you that much of a slut that there's someone else too?"

Buffy couldn't stop herself from standing up and slapping Satsu hard across the face. Satsu took a couple steps back, tears in her eyes, her cheek red and slightly swollen from the force of the slap. Buffy felt her own tears rise and fall and she took a deep breath as she reached out for Satsu.

"Just don't," Satsu snapped and she jerked away from her before Buffy could reach her.

"Satsu I..."

"Don't."

She watched as Satsu walked away and headed upstairs and she sat back down on the couch, her hands shaking, tears falling freely as she tried to replay the last ten minutes over in her head. She screwed up everything. Her feelings screwed up everything. Overreacting when Satsu had called her a slut had been that final nail in the 'Buffy screws everything up' coffin.

It was over between them. The minute Faith had showed up she knew it was over between her and Satsu. It wasn't Faith's fault, it was her own. She should have talked to Satsu about what happened between her and Faith despite how much that would have hurt her just the same as her not bringing it up first. It was just another 'should've, would've, could've' to add to her seemingly never-ending list.

The tears continued when she heard Satsu slam her bedroom door shut. It wasn't much longer before she heard Faith come up from the basement to find out what was going on. Buffy wanted to talk to her, it was what they had done in the past seven years, but she couldn't speak through the tears. Faith pulled her from where she lay on the couch until she was sitting upright enough and she sat down next to her and held her close.

This was a side of Faith she'd never seen much of before, the soft caring side complete with barely heard whispers that everything would be okay. Buffy forced the tears back, laughing softly at the very wet spot on Faith's shoulder as she pulled away from her. Faith didn't notice or she didn't seem to mind, she only reached out and very gently wiped the last of the tears from Buffy's cheeks. Faith leaned in as if to kiss her, but she pulled back as soon as she realized what she was doing.

"You gonna be okay, B?"

"I will."

"I heard you two, kind of hard not to," Faith said softly as she lowered her hand from her cheek and took both her hands in her own. "I'm sorry for all of this, B. Never meant for this to happen, you know?"

"I know, Faith."

"If things were different..."

"But they aren't," Buffy pointed out as she let go of her hands. "Things will never be different between us. It's just the way it is."

"No I just meant, if I..."

"What?"

"Buffy, I felt something earlier when I kissed you. I can't even explain what I felt. It just felt..."

"Right?"

"Yeah," she smiled a little and moved back a little ways on the couch, creating what Buffy knew was much needed space between them at that moment. "I don't know what is happening between us, Buffy. Do you ever wonder if it is possible to be in love with two very different people at the same time?"

"Anything is possible."

"I don't know what to do anymore. I know I...I can't stop thinking about you. Not since the other night, not since ever I think. But I know I love Josh. He makes me happy and he's good to me and the arguments we have are healthy, you know? No relationship is all sunshine and rainbows all the time."

Buffy nodded, knowing that all too well. Silence filled the air around them and between them, the tension growing thicker by the second. Wherever this talk was going, Buffy had a feeling she wasn't going to like it in the end. She already didn't like it. The day had been a whirlwind of emotions and she wasn't even sure how much more she'd be able to handle without mentally breaking down.

"You and I have come a long way, B. I don't want to lose the friendship we have right now. But something is happening between us and I just can't ignore anymore. I don't know what to do about it either. I want to do the right thing, but every time I ask myself what the right thing is, I come up with answers that are mostly just more questions. A vicious cycle really."

Faith sighed out as she looked away from her, her own tears threatening to fall if she continued. She stood up from the couch, glancing down at Buffy briefly before she grabbed her jacket and slid it on. She looked conflicted for a moment before she headed for the front door. A quiet whisper of a goodbye was all that left her lips before she walked out of the house and quietly closed the door behind her, leaving Buffy alone with her thoughts and with a very pissed off Satsu still fuming in her room.

Buffy had to fix things between her and Satsu. Whether they got through this or not, she had to fix this. They couldn't live under the same roof and act civilized if she didn't do it tonight. She locked the front door before she headed upstairs to Satsu's room. She stood outside the doorway, listening for a moment and felt her heart breaking when she heard the soft gasps and sobs coming from inside the room.

Pushing aside her feelings that were always there for Faith, she searched for the ones she knew she had for Satsu somewhere deep inside of her heart. She opened the door slowly, slipping inside unseen and unheard until she closed the door and Satsu sat up on the bed when she heard the soft click of the door closing behind Buffy. Her eyes were red, full of tears and her lower lip was quivering slightly as she watched Buffy walk over to her and sit next to her on the bed.

"I'm sorry," she whispered what she felt like would be one of many, many apologies that night.


	6. Chapter 6

Just after midnight Buffy found herself slipping out of bed, careful not to wake up Satsu as she slept soundly in the bed. She shivered as she reached for her clothes that were strewn over the floor and quickly got dressed. Her mind was reeling over the last couple of hours. They had fought, they argued, they cried, they laughed, they fucked and then fell asleep in each other's arms, a first and what Buffy felt like wouldn't be the last.

She wasn't forgiven for what happened between her and Faith, she wasn't forgiven for loving Faith instead of Satsu, and instead she was reasoned with and made promises that in time she would be forgiven for all the wrong she'd done and promises that in time she too would be able to fall in love with Satsu and forget about Faith. She wasn't so sure about that though, but she led Satsu on to believe that she would, in time, learn to love her the way she loved Faith.

Quietly she made her way through the dark house down to the kitchen and got herself a cold glass of water. She stood by the kitchen sink, staring out the window into the dark backyard, barely illuminated by the streetlights in the back alley. She sighed out softly as she turned around and leaned against the counter, watching the clock on the stove as the minutes passed by.

She started thinking about everything in her life, overanalyzing all her relationships from the past and her relationships with her friends, people she considered her family now. She started looking back at how everything had changed so drastically in the years they'd been there, all living under the same roof.

Everything had fallen into place since they all came to Cleveland. Everyone finally had a chance to find some strand of happiness. Kennedy and Willow's relationship intensified, Xander spent more time travelling the world than there with them, but when he came back almost a year and a half ago that's when his relationship with Dawn had started. Giles was even happy; reconnecting with Olivia and even at one point had been talking about her moving into their already crowded house with them.

Nobody had raised an eyebrow at Dawn and Xander's budding romance. Willow thought it was sweet they'd found love together, Kennedy only had chuckled when she found out and Giles had said nothing. Buffy wasn't sure how to feel at first. She was happy for both of them and yet, the sisterly instinct in her was screaming to stop it from continuing. Her sister and one of her best friends? That was up there on the weirdness level for sure. She still to this day couldn't wrap her head around how the two of them could fall in love with one another. There was the age difference and then the fact that it was her sister and Xander.

Faith had been the only one who didn't say a word about Dawn and Xander. She just smirked the first time they'd all gone out together and Xander was all over Dawn on the dance floor at the Embassy. She remembered Faith staring at her, waiting for her reaction and when the reaction she was likely expecting from Buffy never came she went off with Josh to the back room at the club and didn't come out for nearly two hours. She couldn't even think about that now without clenching her fists tightly.

Again with the feeling of bitter jealousy. She now knew why she could never be happy for Dawn and Xander, for Willow and Kennedy, for anyone that was in love. She wanted it too. She wanted to experience what they all were experiencing and she wanted that with Faith.

"Hey, Buff," Xander said quietly as he walked into the kitchen and dropped his heavy duffle bag to the floor. "No welcome home hugs? No 'I missed you' squeals of happiness?"

Buffy laughed as she gave him a hug. "How was your trip?"

"Good," he replied as he gave her a hug back and stepped away. "I think this time I'm gonna stick around for more than a month before taking off again."

"You better. Dawn did nothing but whine about you leaving again for the last couple of weeks. Finally died down a little," Buffy laughed as she gave him a gentle slap across his broad shoulders. "Where did you go off to this time, Xander?"

"Went to LA. Had a few loose ends to tie up there. Family to see, you know the deal. So, what'd I miss this time?"

"You really don't want to know."

"No, really I do," he smirked and walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out a cold beer. "You and Satsu still together?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah? Why do I have the feeling that was a loaded question I asked you?"

"Because it is," she sighed as she grabbed herself a beer and hoisted herself up on the counter. "You got a couple hours to spare?"

"For you, of course, Buff."

"Just promise not to freak out?"

"What would I freak out over?" Xander asked as he leaned against the counter next to her and turned to look up at her. "Something big happen?"

"Depends on what you'd classify as big," she replied as she opened her beer and took a sip. "I'm in love with Faith."

Xander said nothing as he looked away from her, muttering under his breath about how he goes away for a month and misses everything. He said nothing for the longest time after that and when he looked up at her, he had a goofy grin creeping across his face.

"You are in love with Faith?" He asked, looking mildly confused and amused at the same time.

"That's what I said," she replied as she laughed at his reaction.

"When did this happen?" Xander asked as he tried to keep the smile he had on his face at bay.

"Awhile ago."

"Really?"

"Mm-hmm," Buffy nodded, unable to keep her own smile from creeping across her lips.

"Does she know?"

"She does."

"And she's still with Josh?" Xander asked. Buffy could only nod as she took another sip of her beer. "And you are still with Satsu?"

"Yeah."

"Call me crazy, but this sounds like one fucked up love rectangle," he chuckled as he shook his head again before staring back up at her. "How are you dealing with everything?"

"Barely."

"Well, you can always unload it all on me now that I'm back."

"Appreciate that, Xander."

"Hey, it's what I'm here for when I am actually here," he smiled widely as he reached out and put his arm around Buffy's shoulders. "Now, start at the beginning. I want to know everything."

She wasn't sure she'd be able to tell him everything, but she'd tell him almost everything by the time she was finished. So she started at the beginning from when her feelings for Faith started to surface. She talked for what felt like hours, leaving out the parts that had just happened in the last twenty-four hours. Xander barely said a word, responding in only laughs and eyebrow raises and soft gasps of surprise. It was one reason why she loved Xander, he was never one to judge, never one to jump in and try to jump to his own conclusions. He'd truly changed over the years and all the travelling and self-discovery he'd been doing had been for the better of him as a man and as a friend.

The sun was almost up by the time they finished talking and catching up on more than just what was going on in Buffy's life at the moment. Xander had a message from Angel for her, rather a letter he swore up and down he hadn't opened. Buffy hadn't spoken to Angel in nearly five years so she had absolutely no idea what the letter could be about. Before parting their ways to get some much needed sleep, Xander just held her for the longest time. It felt good to have him back and she smiled as he pulled away and gave her one of his goofy grins before going upstairs to Dawn's room.

As tired as she was, she wasn't up to trying to get some much needed sleep. After the talk with Xander her thoughts were racing through her mind like a freight train. Xander had said nothing about her feelings for Faith other than he wasn't surprised she felt that way about her. He had said he'd had suspicions over the years seeing the two together that there was something underneath it all, something there under all the hidden and repressed feelings they had for one another.

"You're up early," Willow said with a yawn as she walked into the kitchen.

"Xander is back."

"He is?" She said excitedly, instantly waking up at the mention of his name. "When did he get back?"

"Late last night. We spent the whole night talking, catching up, you know the deal," Buffy replied with a smile. "He's up in Dawn's room probably making up for the month they were apart."

They both shuddered and laughed at the disturbing images that without a doubt went through both of their minds at the same time. Buffy leaned against the counter, sighing out as she wished she had the closeness with Willow she once had. They couldn't just talk anymore. There was still some tension between them, tension Buffy wasn't sure where it'd come from. She was always afraid of hitting one of Willow's raw nerves, setting her off. She'd been like that with everyone since leaving Sunnydale and none of them could quite figure out why. Buffy had her theories and they started with 'k' and ended in 'y'.

"I did not need those visuals," Buffy groaned.

"You brought it up, not me!"

"I know! God," she shuddered. "I still can't get used to the fact they are...together."

"None of us really can," Willow shrugged. "It is way too early for me to be talking about this. How did your date with Satsu go last night?"

"Alright."

"Don't lie to me, Buffy."

"I'm not!"

Willow put on her resolve face as she stood in front of Buffy with her arms crossed. "Oh really?"

"Really, Will."

"Spill."

"Can't we like, make some coffee first? I know how you get without your coffee first thing in the morning."

"Sure," Willow replied, her resolve face still firmly in place. "But you are going to talk, Buffy. You are going to tell me everything."

"Oh really? I am, am I? What makes you so sure about that?"

"You see this?" Willow asked as she pointed to herself. "That's what makes me so sure. Nobody can resist resolve face Willow."

They both laughed as Kennedy walked into the kitchen, still half asleep and mumbling under her breath about never being able to sleep in on a Sunday. Buffy breathed out slowly, relieved that Kennedy had walked in when she did. She didn't want to get into everything with Willow, not now, not ever. Willow wouldn't take it the way Xander did. She'd blow everything out of proportion and then some.

Buffy watched the two of them, feeling her own jealousy for not having what they had crept up on her. Even after seven years together they still acted as if they were in that first month. Head over heels in love and extra sweet and rife with the public displays of affection. It did only one thing; it reminded her she'd never have what they had with Faith.

She left them there in the kitchen, fighting back her anger and jealousy that always seemed to be right there at the surface. She needed some sleep, her body was begging for it and yet she knew, even if she tried, her mind wouldn't let her. Not yet. She stopped in front of Satsu's room once she was upstairs, debating whether or not to go in there with her and at the last second, she turned and walked to her own room. She couldn't deal with Satsu or anyone else. She couldn't even deal with herself. She could only tolerate the things she was feeling and thinking. It was all she ever could do.

****

Two weeks passed before she saw Faith again. Every time Giles had called a meeting, Faith had made sure she wasn't there when Buffy was and vice versa. Buffy had no idea why they were avoiding each other the way they were and it hurt deep down inside to know that everything had turned that way for them. Their friendship was hanging on by a fine thread, threatening to snap and break at any given moment.

The only person Buffy hadn't distanced herself from was Satsu. She spent every other night with her after patrol and would wake up shortly before dawn and slip away to her own room. Things were tense between them, almost feeling forced, but Buffy didn't care. She had someone that loved her even if she could never love them back the way they wanted her to, deserved to be loved. They never brought up Faith since that night and they never talked about their own relationship. Every other night only happened because that was what they both wanted; at least it was what Buffy thought she wanted.

It had been a way to get her mind off of Faith and for the most part, it worked. It worked until the lustful haze had lifted and she found herself slipping back down into bitter depressed Buffy mode and pining away for Faith yet again.

It was never ending. Everything _always_ came back to Faith.

But this morning was different than all the others. She'd woken up at dawn as she had for the past couple of weeks and instead of waking up to a quiet house, she could hear voices coming from the kitchen. Standing at the top of the stairs, she listened and felt her whole body shudder as the sound of Faith's voice, as quiet as it was. She gripped the wooden railing tightly, debating whether or not to go down there and find out what Faith was doing there. In the end, she lost the internal fight she had with herself and made her way down the stairs slowly.

"I know her birthday isn't until Wednesday, but we were thinking of throwing a party for her tonight at the Embassy," Willow said as Buffy quietly approached the kitchen doorway. "You'll come, won't you, Faith?"

"Of course I'll come. Haven't missed her birthday since we came here. I'll talk to Josh and see if he can talk to the owner about reserving the couches and tables for us tonight."

"This is going to be great," Willow gushed. "She'll never expect it."

"She hates her birthday," Faith replied coldly and Buffy stifled the chuckle she felt bubbling up from inside of her. "Nothing bad has happened on her birthday since we left Sunnydale."

"She just hates getting older," Willow laughed and Buffy shook her head as she cleared her throat and walked into the kitchen. "Morning, Buffy."

"Morning," she said softly as she looked over at Faith, her heart skipping a beat when their eyes met. "What are you doing here so early, Faith?"

"Training."

"Right," Buffy nodded as she walked over to the coffee maker and grabbed a mug. "Haven't seen you around for a few weeks."

"Been busy."

"Haven't we all?"

Willow raised an eyebrow at Buffy before taking her own cup of coffee and leaving the two of them alone in the kitchen. Faith looked tense and she looked as tired as Buffy felt. They kept their distance but their eyes never left one another's for the longest time. Buffy felt the bitter and depressed parts of her just flutter and disappear the longer she stared into Faith's warm, beautiful brown eyes.

She couldn't resist when Faith stepped next to her and poured herself another cup of coffee. She waited until she placed the cup on the counter in front of her before grabbing her gently and pulling her in for a deep, passionate kiss. Faith stood stock still for a moment before succumbing to the kiss. Her knees felt weak, her whole body buzzing with unrelenting need. The footsteps approaching the kitchen pulled them apart and Faith quickly grabbed her cup of coffee and took a sip as Josh walked into the kitchen with a bag of tools.

"Hey, ladies," he smiled sweetly at the two of them, either ignoring their flushed faces and ragged breathing or not noticing it at all. "Xander up yet?"

"No, not yet," Faith replied as she forced a smile his way. "You two heading off to a jobsite today?"

"Sure are. Xander wanted me to hook him up with a job and some contacts and you know me, never one to back down on my promises."

Buffy looked away as Josh leaned in to kiss Faith and she stared down into her cup of coffee, breathing in and out as evenly as she could to control the angered jealousy threatening to break through the surface. She didn't realize how hard she was gripping onto her mug until it cracked and shattered, sending coffee all over herself and the floor and bits of ceramic everywhere. She didn't even feel the burn of the hot coffee or the sharp ceramic pieces digging into the palm of her hands. All she could feel was the anger and the extreme jealousy that was controlling every aspect of all her other emotions.

"Shit, B," Faith said worriedly as she pushed Josh away from her and grabbed the roll of paper towels and placed a few sheets on the floor, trying to soak up the spilt coffee. "What the hell has gotten into you?"

"I..."

"Come on, I'll help you clean up," she said as she grabbed onto Buffy's arm and pulled her upstairs to the bathroom. "What the hell, B?"

"I uh...gripped the mug a little too hard?" Buffy shrugged as she let Faith force her to sit down on the closed toilet lid.

"Why?" Faith asked. She had her back to her as she rummaged through the cupboard under the sink and pulled out the first aid kit. "Seriously, B. What's gotten into you?"

"I..."

"You know," Faith chuckled softly as she examined Buffy's hands carefully as she knelt down in front of her. "Jealousy is not a good look on you, B."

"Who said I was..."

"Don't think I haven't noticed the way you act whenever you are around me and Josh."

Buffy sighed as she looked away from her. She wasn't even going to bother to try and explain herself. There really wasn't any point. She looked down at her hands as Faith carefully pulled the small ceramic pieces in her skin out carefully with the tweezers.

"Why'd you kiss me?"

"What?" Buffy asked as she looked at her.

"Why'd you kiss me?" Faith repeated, her voice slightly shaking as she spoke.

"I don't know. I uh...missed you?" Buffy offered, hoping it'd be explanation enough. "Why'd you kiss me back?"

"Kind of hard not to kiss you back with the way you were kissing me, B. Now hold still, this is gonna sting a little," Faith said as she took the bottle of antiseptic and poured it on a cotton ball before gently dabbing at the small cuts over the palms of her hands.

"Faith?"

"Yeah, B?"

"How come you haven't been around much?"

"Don't know."

"Sure you do," Buffy said as she looked down at her hands, the bleeding already stopped and the small cuts already beginning to slowly close all thanks to her slayer healing. "Tell me."

"After that night I figured it was better if I just stayed away. I can't get you off my mind, B. I can't stop thinking about you, can't stop wanting to kiss you, to touch you, to..."

"Faith," she sighed as she reached for her hands before she stood up from the floor. "We can't keep doing this, whatever it is we're doing. We have to figure out how to get past this. To go back to where we were before. I feel like I'm losing you. I don't want to lose my best friend."

"Don't you get it, Buffy? We _can't_ go back to where we were. I just can't push away what I feel for you and I know you can't do it either. I want you. I want to be with you, but..."

"You're with Josh," Buffy finished for her and sighed sadly. "I get it."

"I love him, Buffy. He's good to me. He's everything I ever wanted, but...he's not you. I can't stand knowing how you feel about me, that you want me probably just as badly as I want you and yet, we're not moving forward. We're stuck in the same old song and dance."

"Not really."

"No?" Faith shook her head as she stood up and put the first aid kit back under the sink. "Feels like it, B. Let me ask you something. Would you leave Satsu for me if...if given the chance?"

"You already know the answer to that question."

"I just..." she sighed out as she ran her hands through her hair and turned to face her. "I don't know how to tell Josh. I still love him, Buffy. He's just..."

"He's not me."

Buffy stayed where she was sitting and watched as Faith began pacing in front of her. She felt like crying. There was too many raw emotions going through her all at once and she just couldn't handle it. She could see it plainly in Faith that she too was experiencing pretty much the same raw, conflicting emotions too. It shouldn't have to be this way, Buffy knew that, but it was what it was and they were too far in now to pull back and retreat. Every emotion that went through both of them, they could feel it in each other and it was derailing them, sending them into a never ending tailspin through emotions they couldn't handle or sort through like rational adults.

Slowly she stood up and walked over to Faith and placed both hands on her shoulders to stop her from pacing. It was making her dizzy and she wanted Faith to just stop long enough so she'd look at her. Faith stopped, but refused to look at her. Buffy knew why. She knew that if Faith allowed herself to look at her, she'd be powerless and kiss her with everything she had in that moment.

Buffy gently cupped her face with her hands, sighing out softly as Faith kept her eyes closed. She had to fight her own urges just to kiss her and she wiped away the few tears that escaped Faith's tightly closed eyes. She wrapped her arms around Faith, feeling her body tremble into the warm embrace and when she began resisting the hug, Buffy held on tighter. She smiled a little when Faith stopped resisting and wrapped her own arms around Buffy, holding her close, holding her tight as if she never wanted to let go. Even though nothing felt like it would ever work out the way they both wanted it to, in that moment everything felt like it would be okay if only they would let it.

All those times she'd spent thinking of Faith over the last couple of weeks came rushing back all at once. She relaxed in her arms, feeling content, feeling as if she'd finally found a place in the world where she truly belonged to be. It wasn't going to be easy for either of them. There were complications, there was Josh and there was Satsu. Even if Faith wanted her, she couldn't expect her just to leave Josh at the drop of a hat. She wished she would though, she wanted her to, but it wouldn't happen that way. At least not until they both figured out where this was going, whatever it was between them. It was love, Buffy was sure about that, but there was more to it. So much more.

She dropped her arms from around Faith suddenly and took a couple steps back. Faith opened her eyes slowly and looked at her, so many deep emotions running through her eyes that it nearly overwhelmed Buffy to see them displayed so freely for her to see. Before either of them could say a word, a sharp knock on the bathroom door jolted them out of the daze they'd fallen into. Faith turned and walked out of the bathroom, ignoring Satsu's glare as she walked past her. Buffy just sighed out loudly as she reluctantly let her eyes fall upon Satsu's face.

There were too many unspoken words coming from both of them as they stood there and stared at one another. Buffy felt a twinge of guilt as she walked past Satsu slowly, wishing she could find words from within her, words that were yet another apology. They never came and she knew they never would. Never again. She was done with meaningless apologies she truly didn't mean. She was done holding onto something she knew she should have let go weeks ago.


	7. Chapter 7

Buffy found herself sitting at the bar alone, sipping her much overpriced rum and Diet Coke, one that was on the house since she was celebrating her birthday. The whole night, the atmosphere of it all reminded her of that night. Her friends were sitting on the couches and Faith was around somewhere with Josh. She took a sip of her drink and turned to look at the crowd, her eyes falling upon Faith and Josh as they danced in the middle of a sea of drunken club goers.

Her hands were still tender from the cuts from that morning, but it didn't stop her from clenching her fists tightly as she watched the two of them dance. His hands moved freely over her body and Faith had her eyes closed, lost in the driving music from the band that played on stage.

"Hey, can I get another? Maybe a little stronger this time?" Buffy nearly shouted at the bartender as he walked past her. He just smiled and took her empty glass and quickly replaced it with a fresh drink. "Thanks."

She turned back to the crowd, watching Faith and Josh, mesmerized and unable to look away. She closed her eyes as she felt Satsu slip a warm, delicate yet strong hand in her own.

"Let's go dance," Satsu said quietly into her ear before pulling Buffy off the barstool and dragged her out onto the dance floor. "Come on, baby, let loose a little."

Buffy fell into the beat of the music, letting her inner inhibitions loose. She didn't even really notice at first that she was slowly but surely making her way to where Faith and Josh were, not until she spun around and found herself face to face with Faith. She smiled at Faith, watching as she licked her lower lip before spinning around to face Satsu.

"Let's dance, baby," Buffy breathed into her ear as she pulled her in close.

Losing herself completely, as she usually did when alcohol and dancing was involved, she pulled Satsu even closer to her. She just needed to feel something other than her driving emotions that had her standing on the edge, ready to plunge forwards or backwards, given whatever was thrown her way next. She could feel Faith's eyes on her and she manoeuvred her and Satsu so she could face her, watching Faith watching her.

The alcohol pounding through her body made the room around her spin wildly out of control, the only thing keeping her anchored was Faith's eyes locked intensely with her own. She could see Faith's eyes flicker with jealousy of her own as Satsu ran her hands over her back, causing her to moan and shiver and pull her in closer, their bodies so close it was almost hard to breathe. She broke away from Faith's gaze and looked at Satsu, smiling at the inebriated look of desire she received in return.

The driving beat slowed as the band began playing a mid-tempo song. It gave Buffy a chance to calm her racing heart and she relaxed in Satsu's arms, her eyes drifting back to look at Faith. She raised an eyebrow at the angered look in Faith's eyes.

'How the tables have turned,' she thought, smirking as she ran her hands down the length of Satsu's back and forced herself to tear her eyes away from Faith yet again.

In an instant she found herself being pulled from Satsu and Faith's arms were around her. Satsu stumbled back, stuttering in protest and Faith only waved her off.

"She owes me a dance," she said to her as she smiled so sweetly it almost looked painful. "One dance, Sushi. Surely I can have one dance with the birthday girl?"

"The name is Satsu."

"Yeah, whatever," Faith muttered as she pulled Buffy to the darkened corner of the dance floor.

"Faith, what are you..."

"You owe me a dance, Blondie."

"I know, but..."

Faith leaned in as she held her close, her lips brushing against her ear as she spoke. "But nothing, B. Just go with it."

Buffy shivered as Faith trailed her fingers down her spine before resting her hands on her lower back. Her touch was electrifying, the heat coming from her was molten and Buffy closed her eyes, losing herself in the music and within the feel of Faith's arms around her and her body pressed up so close to her own. She had to fight within herself the urge to kiss her. Now was not the time nor was it the place to let go and just do what felt right, to do what felt completely natural.

Buffy closed her eyes as she ran her fingertips over the nape of Faith's neck, revelling in the softness of her skin and the firmness of the muscle as it rippled under her touch. They were barely moving, dancing to the music that seemed to only play within the confines of their own hearts. She gasped out as Faith pulled her hips into her own, the intimacy of their position sending a wave of burning pleasure through her body.

"I want to...kiss you," Buffy breathed out as she felt Faith back her up to the nearest pillar.

"What's stopping you, B?"

"We'll be seen," she said softly, biting her own lip as she allowed her eyes to meet and lock with Faith's. "We can't."

"I hate this, B."

"Hate what?"

"Seeing you with her, seeing her hands all over you, seeing that...that look in her eyes that only says one thing, that she wants you."

Faith's fingers gripped her hips harder, so hard she knew there'd be light bruises there in the morning. The almost possessive, jealous growl that escaped Faith's lips before she kissed her sent her almost over the edge, plunging so far deep she wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to pull herself out of the deep hole she'd dug herself into. They were in so deep and yet they were going nowhere. Buffy reluctantly pushed her away, breathing heavily as the stars from behind her eyes slowly disappeared.

They had barely broken from their sudden intense kiss before they were ripped apart by a furious Satsu. Buffy could see the punch coming long before it actually came and unfortunately for Faith she didn't until Satsu's fist connected with her jaw. The few people around them stopped to stare at the commotion, but when they saw the feral look in Satsu's eyes, they turned and minded their own business.

"Satsu, what the hell?"

"I'd ask you the same thing, Buffy! What were you kissing her for? Huh?"

"It just..."

"Can't give her a birthday kiss?" Faith groaned as she rubbed her jaw. "Jesus, Sushi, take a fucking chill pill."

"Happened," Buffy finished, her words falling upon deaf ears and becoming lost in the music and the voices of the crowd around them.

It was a matter of seconds before Josh was there looking slightly dazed and confused as he tried to figure out what the hell was going on. Buffy felt like she'd stepped back into middle school in the middle of a schoolyard brawl, fight to the 'death' and trying to win the affections of the one that was stuck in the middle. Buffy had to hold Satsu back from lunging after Faith for calling her 'Sushi'. She also had to bite back the chuckle that threatened to escape as well.

How they all ended up this way, Buffy had no idea. She watched as Josh pulled Faith away, demanding to know what was going on as they disappeared in the crowd on the dance floor. Satsu twisted her way out of Buffy's ironclad grip and turned to face her.

"I can't believe you, Buffy."

"What?"

"The second you get a chance to wander off alone your lips are attached to her face."

"It just happened. It wasn't like I planned it!" Buffy protested as she stood there in front of Satsu, trying to keep her cool as best as she could. "We were just dancing, Satsu."

"That was a hell of a lot more than just dancing," she pointed out as she clenched her fists at her side. "I thought things had changed, gone back to the way they were before _she_ started moving in on you. I was wrong, yet again."

"What do you want me to say then?"

"Apologize."

"No," Buffy replied as she crossed her arms over her chest. "I have nothing to apologize for. All I feel like I've been doing the last couple of weeks has been apologizing to you. I'm tired of saying I'm sorry. I'm tired of feeling like you don't believe me every time I say it too."

Satsu shook her head and looked as if she was about to say something back and instead she turned and walked away from her. Buffy gritted her teeth, breathing heavily as she tried to calm herself down. The alcohol was making it impossible for her to keep a clear head and she walked over to her friends sitting on the couches and sat down next to Xander.

"What happened over there?" Xander asked as he handed Buffy a bottle of water.

"Drama."

"Were you just kissing Faith?" He asked quietly enough so only she heard him.

"I..."

Buffy couldn't find it in herself to explain what had happened. It was bad enough Satsu had intervened, but for Xander and most likely everyone else to have seen what happened made for a rather tense and awkward situation. It intensified when Faith came over and took a seat on the couch across from Buffy. All eyes were on them and although no words were spoken between any of them, the questions they wanted to know hung heavily in the air.

"Anyone feel like heading to Tony's and getting some pizza?" Xander asked as everyone looked at him, giving Buffy and Faith a moment to just look at one another without anyone else watching.

All she wanted was to walk over and sit next to Faith and finish their kiss from before. From the look on Faith's face, Buffy had no doubt she wanted that to happen as well. She groaned quietly as Xander nudged her with his shoulder.

"What?"

"We're going to get some pizza before Tony's closes, you in?"

"Of course," she said with a forced smile even though she knew that getting out of the club and getting some solid food in her stomach was probably the wisest thing to do. "Faith, are you coming with us?"

"Could eat," she shrugged as she stood up from the couch and walked over to Buffy. "Can we talk, B?"

"Privately?" Buffy asked and Faith only nodded her head. "Can it wait?"

"Sure," she shrugged again, looking mildly uncomfortable as everyone turned to look at them. "What?"

"Are you going to go find Josh and see if he's going to come with us?" Willow asked.

"No, he took off. Called it an early night."

"Buffy," Willow said as she turned to her and handed her jacket to her. "Where did Satsu go off to?"

"I don't know."

"We all saw...what happened," Willow whispered as she looked at Faith then back at Buffy quickly. "What was going on between you and Faith?"

"Nothing."

"Didn't look like nothing to me."

"Can we not talk about this right now, Will?"

"But we are going to talk about it later," she said firmly as she reached out for Kennedy and pulled her up from the couch.

They all left the club and Buffy fell to the back of the group and found herself walking next to Faith. She wanted to ask Faith why she wanted to talk to her privately, but she already had an idea what that 'talk' was going to be. Lips would be involved and she wasn't so sure actual words would be though.

They did need to talk. They had to figure out what was going on between them and avoiding one another obviously hadn't worked before. It just left a lot hanging in the air and a hell of a lot of unresolved sexual tension that was threatening to break through the surface at any given moment. They fell far back enough from their friends that they could talk without being overheard. Faith obviously had other ideas when she pulled Buffy into the alley and pressed her up against the wall, her lips instantly on hers before she had a chance to protest.

Her words and all her thoughts were lost in the feel of Faith's lips on her own, Faith's tongue that was demanding access and she was lost to Faith's hands as they gripped her hips tightly. She let out a low moan as Faith moved a hand to roughly cup her through her jeans and she broke away from the kiss, panting heavily, her body screaming at her to just give in and beg for Faith to take her right there in the alley. But she couldn't. The last of her rational, clear thoughts were fluttering through, forcing her to stop what was happening before it went one step too far.

"We can't," she said shakily as she grabbed Faith's arms and pushed her away. "We just can't, Faith. We're...we're with other people and what we're doing is..."

"Wrong, I know," Faith sighed as she ran her fingers through her hair and lowered her eyes. "How can something so wrong feel so right, B?"

"I don't know, but what I do know is that we're going to have to talk about this when we're slightly less drunk."

"I know."

"We should...catch up with everyone before they notice we're gone."

Faith moved in close to her, backing her up against the wall once again. She leaned in to kiss her and stopped herself as their lips barely touched. "Fuck, B. This is driving me crazy."

"I know. It's driving me crazy too."

"What are we gonna do about this?"

"I have no idea."

"All I know is the last couple of weeks all I can think about is you, B. Josh is starting to suspect something is going on and I still don't know how to tell him about...this," she said as she motioned at the small space between them. "I don't want to hurt him and I don't want you to hurt Satsu either. If this is for real, B, I think we should do what's right."

"Which is?"

"End things."

"Between us?"

"No," Faith said as she shook her head. "I mean I end things with Josh and you end it with Satsu and we...we do whatever feels right and let _this_ happen between us."

Buffy almost pinched herself right then and there to make sure she wasn't dreaming the whole thing. Was Faith serious? Did she actually want to end her only stable relationship to be with her? Were they really going to put their friendship on the line just to see what there was between them? Buffy already knew their friendship was on the line, it had been since New Year's Eve and that kiss they had a midnight. It had been on the line far before that too. At least it had been on Buffy's part.

Their small chat was cut short by Kennedy who had come looking for them. She looked at both of them, smirking a little as they jumped away from each other as quickly as they could manage.

"Vampire," Faith muttered a lame excuse.

"Right," Kennedy laughed as she rolled her eyes. "Look, I'm not going to tell anyone what I just saw."

"You didn't see anything," Faith nearly growled as she wiped her lips with the back of her hand.

"Saw what?" Kennedy winked as she looked at Buffy. "You might want to do something about the lipstick before we catch up to everyone else. That is so not your colour."

"Huh?" Buffy asked, snapping out of her daze.

"Come here, B," Faith said as she pulled her close and wiped the smudged lipstick from around her lips. "Much better."

Buffy couldn't help but blush a little as Kennedy chuckled and waited for them to follow her. Nobody else seemed to notice how nervous they both looked as they caught up with them. Faith kept her distance, choosing to walk next to Dawn and Xander. Buffy licked her lips slowly, tasting Faith, her lipstick and the beer she'd been drinking at the club. She felt weak in the knees when she licked her lips yet again. Nobody ever had that kind of power over her, ever.

The restaurant wasn't busy since it was after eleven and they all sat in the booths near the back. Kennedy somehow managed to manoeuvre Faith so she ended up sitting next to Buffy. She blushed, knowing she would have a permanent blush throughout the entire meal with Faith so close to her. It was awkward and extremely tense sitting there squished in the booth next to Faith with Kennedy on her left. Her right thigh was pressed firmly against Faith's. The heat radiating off of her was intense and she needed to move, yet she couldn't.

"Want to split one of those huge everything pizzas with me, B?" Faith asked as she dropped her hand on her thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"Sure," Buffy squeaked out and took a deep, shuddering breath when Faith didn't move her hand.

The only one that could see where Faith's hand was currently was Kennedy. It was slightly awkward knowing Faith's hand, which was creeping up her inner thigh, was in plain view of Kennedy's wandering eyes. The soft and gentle way Faith's fingers stroked her inner thigh, tracing along the seam of her jeans, was fast making her libido race through the roof. It took a lot of courage for her to reach for Faith's hand and take it away. If she didn't, she wasn't sure what would end up happening and she was in no way prepared for anything to happen around their friends.

"You okay, Buffy?" Dawn asked as the waiter passed out the frosted glasses and began pouring everyone a glass of beer. "You look a little flushed."

"It's ah...warm in here and plus I think I had one too many drinks at the club."

"You aren't going to hurl, are you?"

"No, Dawnie. I'm fine."

Dawn gave her a once-over before deciding she was telling the truth. Faith dropped her hand onto her own leg and every once in a while the back of her hand brushed against Buffy's thigh, sending electrifying shivers through her entire body. She took in a couple deep, shaky breaths, trying to steady her breathing as she tried to look interested in the ongoing conversation. When she felt it was safe for her to look at Faith without being noticed, she mouthed 'stop' and proceeded to move Faith's hand away yet again.

"What's the matter, B?" Faith whispered as she leaned in close to her. "Can't handle it?"

"No."

Faith chuckled and moved her hand away and placed it on the table. Buffy shook her head, not getting why Faith was being so touchy feely with her. It was driving her absolutely insane and it made just sitting there much more than tense. They were going to talk later; Buffy would make sure of it. There had to be some kind of boundaries set between them until they were both free to pursue things between them. She wasn't a cheater even though she'd been caught twice making out with Faith. She knew Faith wasn't a cheater either, but everything had changed since that kiss on New Year's Eve and nothing would ever go back to the way it had been before.

"Where's Satsu?" Xander asked, looking over at Buffy, an eyebrow rising slightly when Buffy flinched.

"Uh she...left us at the club."

"After..."

"Yeah," Buffy nodded, really not wanting to discuss it with everyone else sitting right there. "I'm sure she just needed some time to cool off."

Xander nodded, leaving it at that to much of Buffy's relief. She drowned out the multiple conversations now taking place around the table and found herself glancing at Faith out of the corner of her eye. Her heart was racing wildly out of control whenever she caught Faith subtly looking back at her. If this went on until they went home, she knew she'd need a very long, very cold shower before she went to bed.

By the time the pizza was on the table, Buffy was driving herself crazy being so close to Faith with her mind full of lascivious thoughts that intensified with every little laugh that escaped Faith's lips. She was really in over her head now, lost to the unbridled sexuality that was purely Faith. She'd nearly forgotten that it was the night out for her birthday until after the pizza was done and the waiter brought out a slice of double fudge chocolate cake and placed it in front of her.

Halfway through the happy birthday's, Faith reached out and took a small swipe of the icing and winked at Buffy as she licked it from her finger. The awkwardness of feeling the way she was about Faith around her friends had disappeared only for those few short minutes.

"What'd you wish for?" Faith asked softly when Buffy blew out the single candle and plucked it from the cake and licked the frosting from it.

"If I tell you, it won't come true."

"I bet I know what it was," she whispered as she reached for a fork and took a hefty piece and smirked as she took a bite. Buffy rolled her eyes as she grabbed the fork from her before she could steal another piece. "What? It's a huge piece of cake, B. Aren't you gonna share? Don't want to put on those extra pounds especially now that you've got a year to go before you are thirty."

"You are such an ass, Faith."

The bemused looks on everyone's faces wasn't lost on her when she finally tore her eyes away from Faith's. They were used to their usual banter, but this was slightly different than normal. There were smiles that'd never been there before, the tone in their voices that said more than the words they spoke.

With a roll of her eyes, Buffy took a forkful of her birthday cake then motioned for everyone to help themselves. As soon as the cake was finished and the bill paid for, by Xander surprisingly, they all headed back to the house. It was a short walk which was why they never drove to the club or to the restaurant. They were used to walking everywhere even though they all had their own vehicles. Buffy found herself trailing behind everyone once again with Faith walking close next to her.

"You gonna go to bed when you get back to the house?" Faith asked quietly as she shoved both her hands into her jacket pockets.

"No, we're going to talk, Faith."

"You sure that's wise, B?"

"We need to talk about this. We're not going to act like nothing is happening by the time tomorrow rolls around. We need to figure out what we're doing, Faith. I can't keep thinking about you the way I have and not know where this is going."

"I get you," she sighed. "We'll talk, B. We'll figure this out."

"And when I say talk, I mean talk not...you know."

Faith chuckled as she looked over at her. Buffy let out a soft sigh as they walked up to the front door, both of them hanging back until everyone else was inside. Faith lit a cigarette, her first all night and Buffy leaned against the closed front door, watching her as she leaned against the railing, the cigarette dangling from her lips and her eyes firmly locked with Buffy's.

She closed her eyes, unable to hold the insatiable gaze without wanting to throw Faith up against the front door and kiss her, touch her, make her feel everything she was feeling just with Faith's eyes on her. It was starting to derail her, more so than just slightly. Everything she was feeling, everything she had been feeling over the last year and especially the last couple of weeks, was speeding ahead far too fast and there was no emergency brakes, no stops, nothing. There was one thing, two technically, standing in their way, keeping them from being together and she had a feeling it wouldn't be like that for much longer.


	8. Chapter 8

Faith flicked her cigarette into the empty, snow covered garden, her eyes falling upon Buffy in an instant. Buffy was fighting the urge to grab her and kiss her, that urge growing stronger by the second and her resolve beginning to fade away with every beat of her heart she already knew was beating in time with Faith's. She bit her lower lip, using whatever strength she had left to fight her urges and she stayed where she was, watching Faith as she looked almost nervous standing just a few feet in front of her.

"We gonna talk out here or you wanna take this inside?"

"I could make a pot of coffee and we'll talk," Buffy offered as she reached for the doorknob.

"Got any beer in the house?"

"I do, but I don't think we should keep drinking. We need a clear head for this, Faith."

Faith only shrugged as she followed Buffy inside and into the kitchen. Faith only could lean against the counter and watch her as she got the coffee ready and flipped on the pot. In the instant Buffy had put the canister of coffee back on the shelf, she found herself being spun around, Faith's lips on hers, kissing her with as much need as she felt. She lost the fight within herself and moaned softly as Faith backed her up against the counter, pinning her there with her hips as she ran her hands over Buffy's back, her sides and under her shirt. The feel of Faith's cold hands upon her skin brought her back to her senses.

"Faith...this is not talking."

"Lips are involved," she mumbled against Buffy's lips as she tried to keep kissing her.

"Talking involves words," Buffy replied as she pushed Faith away from her gently. "As much as I want to keep doing this, we need to talk first. Less action, more talking."

"How about, more action, less talking?" Faith chuckled as she slowly made her way back to where she'd been just seconds before. "Don't tell me you don't want to, B. Your words say no, but your body says yes."

"My body has always said yes," she said under her breath as she closed her eyes, revelling in the feel of Faith's wandering hands and insistent lips. "Faith, I'm not...a cheater and I can't keep doing this until we figure this out."

"Kissing is cheating?"

"You're doing a lot more than just kissing me," she whispered as she kept her eyes closed as Faith trailed her hand up her stomach and gently cupped her breast through the thin material of her shirt. "Touching is definitely cheating."

"Okay, you win," Faith nearly growled as she stepped back and hoisted herself up on the island. "You have no idea how much you are driving me insane, do you, B?"

"I have an idea."

Faith chuckled as she shook her head. "Let me ask you something then. You want to be with me? You want the whole relationship deal with me and everything that comes along with it or is this just..."

"I want everything."

"And Satsu?"

"I don't give a flying fuck about her," Buffy snapped. Faith's eyes went a little wide and she had to laugh at her reaction. "What?"

"You've been fucking her for how many months now? Don't you think just ending it for me isn't gonna hurt?"

"I don't love her. I can't love her."

"Still, B. There's got to be some strong feelings there if you..."

"What about Josh?" She interrupted before Faith could keep going. "You are just going to end things with him just like that to be with me?"

"It's slightly more complicated than that," Faith replied quietly. "Don't get me wrong, Buffy. I do want you and I do want to be with you, it's just that...I have a life with him, you know? I can't just drop it as easily as you can end things with Satsu. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy for you either, B. I just...this is the first relationship I've ever had that's lasted this long."

"We can't do this if you are with him," she said softly, feeling the hot tears already stinging her eyes. Her emotions would get to the better of her if the talk between them continued this way. "What are you afraid of, Faith?"

"That you and me will work out."

"It is slightly scary, isn't it?"

"Considering our diverse history, definitely scary."

"We've gotten past our history though, haven't we?"

"Forgave each other and all that, sure," she shrugged as she looked down at the floor. "I just...I'm not good at this relationship crap. Josh just made it easy. He's patient."

"I can be patient," Buffy said softly, her voice cracking slightly as she waited for Faith to look back up at her. "You don't believe that I can be patient, do you?"

"This is gonna sound pretty fucking pointless and lame considering, but if we do this, I need to take it slow. We both need to. Jumping into this isn't gonna end well for us."

"And by slow you mean what exactly?"

"Start from the beginning."

"You mean by going out on dates, not kissing each other until what, the third date?" Buffy asked and in return she got a deep, throaty chuckle from Faith.

"Something like that," Faith said as she finally looked up at her. "Can you give me a couple of days, B? Gotta get my shit packed and out of Josh's place and everything, you know? I mean, that'll come once I talk to him and let him down as easily and gently as I can."

"He proposed to you twice and you turned him down! How much more easily and gently can you let him down?"

"Never told you why I turned him down the second time, B."

"Why?"

"Cos all I could think about was if I said yes that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Josh is a great guy, he'd take care of me, but he's not you. He'll never be you."

"Of course he won't. He's got the whole extra appendage thing going on I definitely don't have."

Faith laughed again, shaking her head as she stared over at Buffy. "Shit, Buffy. You're fucking funny sometimes, you know that?"

Buffy smirked at her as she turned to look at the coffee pot, sighing when she saw it was only halfway finished brewing. The alcohol in her system was fading, but not nearly as fast as she'd like it to be. They both weren't drunk, at least not stupid drunk, but she had a feeling a lot of what they were saying was easily influenced by the alcohol. She knew as well as Faith did that they wouldn't be able to have a talk quite like this if it wasn't for the fact they'd spent the last several hours at the club drinking and dancing.

That bitter jealousy she'd felt nothing else but in the last several weeks was fast fading away. She had Faith even though she couldn't quite truly be with her just yet. It had been solidified that Faith wanted her as much as she wanted Faith. The obstacles, Satsu and Josh, which were standing in their way, would eventually be out. She just didn't like thinking about the inevitable fact that after they talked that Faith would be going back to the apartment she and Josh shared and she'd sleep in the same bed as him and wake up next to him in the morning.

So maybe it wasn't fading fast enough. But it would in time. She hated feeling that way, hated how it drove her, consumed her and ate her up and spat her out, broken yet still very much alive to feel the pain that came along with it. She'd never had such intense feelings for anyone before. She'd never fallen in love with anyone before she'd been with them either. As used to feeling this way for Faith as she'd gotten over the last year or so, it was still very new and when she stopped for a moment to admit it to herself, it was also very scary.

"Can't help but think if I didn't come around that night with that lame excuse looking for my jacket and just blurted out that I wanted to kiss you that we might not even be having this conversation right now," Faith said as she broke the heavy silence between them. "You have no idea how long I debated that day whether or not to come around to see you. Josh thought I was going crazy pacing around the apartment talking to myself. Maybe I was. Sure as hell felt like it."

"Do you regret it?"

"No, I don't."

"You ever think when we first came here after Sunnydale that we'd ever be having this kind of conversation?"

"Never in a million years, B."

"Funny how much things have changed though, isn't it?"

"For sure."

Buffy took one long look at her before turning around and grabbing two mugs. She barely had the coffee poured when she felt Faith's hands on her shoulders then gradually making their way down her back and around to the front of her stomach as she pulled her in close. Without meaning to, Buffy tilted her head slightly to the side as Faith began lightly kissing her neck.

"Faith, you have to stop."

"I can't."

"It's wrong," she whispered, shuddering as Faith gently bit down on her pulse point.

"Like I said before, how can something so wrong feel so right, B?"

Her words were lost as Faith turned her around and captured her lips with her own kissing her so deeply her legs nearly gave out on her. How many times had she dreamt of something just like this happening only to wake up either alone in her bed or with Satsu there next to her? Too many times. She half expected to wake up any second now.

The coffee was long forgotten as Faith popped the button open on her jeans and she had to stop her, she had to before it went too far. Her mind and body were no longer communicating and she was merely putty in Faith's hands. She was shaking with pure adrenaline and pleasure as Faith deftly slipped a hand inside her panties, instantly finding the pool of wetness waiting there for her.

"Fuck, B..."

"Faith..." she moaned against her lips and forceful tongue. "Oh god."

Faith wasted no time, slipping a solitary finger deep inside her with ease. Buffy gripped onto her shoulders having lost all sense of feeling in her legs. Faith tensed suddenly and pulled back from Buffy just enough to look into her eyes.

"Shit, B. I'm sorry I...I got out of control."

Buffy shook her head no, stopping her from trying to pull her hand out of her pants. "It doesn't matter now, Faith."

"You sure?"

"Faith, you have your hand down my fucking pants and if I wasn't sure I would have stopped you by now."

Faith chuckled as she pulled Buffy into her forcefully, kissing her with wild abandon as she slipped a second finger roughly inside of her. Buffy wasn't sure how much longer she could stand there on unsteady legs and she pulled back from the kiss, breathing just as heavily as Faith was.

"We should..."

"Upstairs?" Faith breathed out huskily.

"Now."

Buffy had no idea what had gotten into her. She was trying to do the right thing and the second Faith had her hands and lips on her she lost all her resolve, all her determination to do the right thing and wait. She suddenly felt nervous as she did her pants back up and watched as Faith languidly licked her fingers as she backed out of the kitchen, waiting for Buffy to follow her.

They were already in too deep, gone too far, stepped over that line with that first kiss weeks ago. That kiss had only spurted a series of events, of meetings between them, of consequences they'd eventually have to face. Ignoring the screaming of her inner voices to stop, take a step back and talk about things, she let her body control her, the urges lead her forward.

Everything she ever wanted, at least when it came to Faith, was being handed to her on a silver platter and she felt like she'd be stupid just to let the opportunity slip through her fingers, as 'wrong' as she knew it was for them to be doing this now. The timing was off. All off. If this had been four years ago when Faith had first hinted she wanted more than friendship with her, they wouldn't even be in this position right now and she wouldn't even be having the internal struggle she currently found herself in.

"Coming, B?"

"I'd like to be," she muttered under her breath as she took a few steps forward on shaky legs.

"What was that?" Faith smirked as she reached out for Buffy's hand and began tugging her towards the stairs.

"Nothing."

"You nervous all of a sudden or something, B?"

"Or something."

Faith let out a deep breath as she dropped Buffy's hand. Her thoughts were clearly visible. Buffy knew she was nervous too, yet she was letting herself go with it, letting herself succumb to her urges despite that lingering feeling of nervousness. Buffy had to remind herself that this was Faith. She was never nervous when it came to anything sexual. It was her second nature, what drove her, edged her on, and kept her going day in and day out. What just happened between them was proof of that and yet, she could see faintly see that nervousness behind those lust-filled eyes of hers.

Buffy shook her head, pushing aside her internal conflict and grabbed onto Faith's hand and pulled her up the stairs before the 'right' side of her won out. they quietly made their way to her room and as soon as Buffy had closed and locked the door behind her, she found herself pinned up against it, Faith's lips upon her own and eager hands determined to get her out of her clothes.

Before she could even push Faith towards the bed, she was already stripped out of most of her clothes and standing there in only her bra and panties. She fumbled with the belt holding up Faith's jeans and she groaned as Faith bent down and bit an already hard nipple through the soft, thin material of her black silk bra. Finding some strength in her she didn't know she possessed in moments like this, she pushed Faith back towards the bed and nearly ripped off her shirt and nearly tossed her onto the bed.

She noticed the belt wasn't Faith's and a low, jealous and possessive growl escaped her lips as she fumbled with the awkward clasp and finally got it open. Faith laid there, propped up slightly on her elbows as she stared down at Buffy, breathing heavily and her eyes darkening at the sight of Buffy nearly on her knees at the foot of the bed trying to get her out of her pants. She still felt slightly nervous as she looked over Faith's nearly nude body, the white bra and black panties a stark contrast against her pale, usually slightly tanned skin.

She wanted to be first to lead them into this although Faith had technically taken the lead in the kitchen. She wanted to show Faith what it was like to surrender complete control just for a little while. She didn't know why, but she knew Faith needed for it to be that way with her. The reality of what they were doing and about to do started to hit her, quickly taking over the lust-filled haze she'd been under since the kiss at the club a few short hours ago.

"You okay with this happening, B? You can tell me right now if you aren't, it isn't gonna matter," Faith whispered as she sat up and took both of Buffy's hands in hers. "I get it if you think things are moving fast. They are, you know? Shit...come here."

Faith pulled her up from where she still knelt on the floor in front of her and gently sat her on the bed next to her. Buffy felt slightly less nervous about what they had been about to do and more nervous about what would come next.

"You drive me crazy, Buffy. You push all of my buttons all the time and probably without even realizing you're doing it. Tonight just...I went on overload, you know? I want this, I want you. I just didn't mean to take things so far after we talked about this, about us. One minute we're talking about taking things slow and the next..."

"We're jumping into bed."

"Yeah. We got to really take a couple steps back," Faith said, her voice shaking and a little husky as she stood up and grabbed her pants from the floor. "As much as I want this and as much as I know you do, the timing is all off. I don't want us to start out this way. You think it is a little late to go back and try to start from the beginning?"

Buffy shrugged, feeling slightly upset things had turned out this way and at the same time she was feeling slightly relieved it had stopped before it had gone way too far. She watched Faith as she slipped on her jeans and couldn't shake the feeling deep in the pit of her stomach that those couple days she'd said she needed would be longer than anticipated.

Her head was flooded with too many images, too many thoughts as she watched the way Faith reluctantly grabbed her shirt and pulled it on. This felt too much like an affair of sorts and it felt wrong despite how right it felt at the same time. Rather than getting dressed herself, Buffy grabbed her robe and slipped it on, her eyes never leaving Faith as she made her way to the door.

"We should probably really talk about this when we're sober, B."

"Yeah," she sighed as she hung her head low, feeling slightly ashamed. "Do you still want to go have a cup of coffee before you leave?"

"Sure."

"Just make sure you stay at least five feet away from me at all times," she stated as Faith unlocked the door.

"Five feet?" Faith chuckled as she looked over at Buffy now standing next to her. "Might want to back up a little ways then, B. You might want to throw some actual clothes on in case anyone comes down and gets the wrong idea."

"I'll have you know I've been..."

"Naked?"

"No," she laughed as she shook her head. She grabbed her fleece pyjama bottoms and quickly slipped them on. "Better?"

Faith only raised an eyebrow as she opened the door and let Buffy walk out first. They said nothing more as they went back down to the kitchen and found the coffee that had been poured before a little cold, but still just warm enough to drink.

"What are you thinking about?" Faith asked quietly as she sat down across the table from Buffy.

"I'm thinking...alcohol is definitely evil."

Faith chuckled softly as she took a sip of her warm coffee, her eyes not once leaving Buffy's. It was one of those moments where they didn't have to say what they were thinking; they could just practically read each other's thoughts just from the little words they actually said. It was one of those things Buffy found was rare in most people and one of those things she'd been surprised she found so easily to do with Faith once the walls had been let down.

As if her mind and body started thinking without her consent, she reached out across the table and took Faith's hand in her own and intertwined their fingers, just wanting to touch her, to feel her warm skin against her own. The simplest touch sent her body into overdrive once again and she took a few deep breaths to try to calm herself, lowering her eyes from Faith's so she wouldn't see the effect of what a simple gesture had done to her. It was simple, but when it came to the two of them, nothing ever was. She was fast beginning to figure that out.

"I'm gonna talk to Josh in the morning," Faith said quietly as she stroked her thumb over Buffy's. "It is gonna be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do to him. He really thought this was it, that I was the one."

"You think he would have figured out it wasn't happening the second time you turned down his proposal."

"You'd think," she chuckled. "Josh is...he's determined to wait until I'm ready. The guy is patient. I mean, look how far we've come. Nobody else has given me that chance before, you know?"

"Can we not talk about you and Josh?" Buffy cringed at the bitterness in her voice. "So, tomorrow then?"

"Yeah," Faith nodded. "I don't want to put this off, B. I want to be with you. The last couple of weeks have been a mindfuck. You've completely derailed me, turned my whole life around and everything has completely changed between us. Tonight is the product of said derailment."

"I see."

"I mean it in a good way, babe."

"I know."

"This is fucking crazy and a little surreal, isn't it? I mean, we're bouncing all over the place here. I just want to go forward."

"That's all I want too," Buffy replied, trying to choose her words carefully. "Why do I feel so selfish for wanting this?"

"Cos neither of us is exactly available right now. You think I don't feel bad for cheating on Josh?"

"I never said you didn't."

"Guilt and selfishness comes hand in hand, B. Can't have one without the other," she said with a shrug. "You really think this is worth it?"

"Do you?"

"Don't have a single doubt, B."

Buffy could only smile at the sudden shyness that overcame Faith. Her heart was racing in anticipation of what would come for both of them. She didn't want to set her hopes and expectations too high, but she knew she was fooling herself. Being with Faith would surpass all her other relationships, it would make them seem like next to nothing compared to what she knew they'd have together.

She felt bad for leading Satsu on, she felt selfish and guilty for all the meaningless apologies she'd made to her over the past couple of weeks. She had to be straight with Satsu and end things as soon as possible. A part of her told her to wait until she was sure Faith had ended things with Josh. That was the selfish, clingy part of her talking and her heart was in complete disagreement with that part of her subconscious she wished would just disappear.

The gentle clearing of Giles' throat as he walked into the kitchen made them yank their hands away from each other quickly. Buffy gripped onto her coffee mug with both hands, her eyes daring not to look over at Giles.

"What's up, G?" Faith asked extra cheerfully.

"Just came down for a cup of tea before bed. I've been researching with Olivia for most of the night. Did you all have a good time tonight?"

"Great," Buffy mumbled under her breath.

"Research huh?" Faith chuckled. "Is that what you oldies are calling it now?"

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Giles said playfully as he laughed with Faith.

"Oh god," Buffy groaned. "Images I could do without. Honestly."

Buffy sat back as Faith and Giles began their usual inane bantering only the two of them could have. It gave her time to think back over the night and she had a strong, deep feeling that she'd be doing nothing but think about everything that had happened between her and for days to come.


	9. Chapter 9

Buffy woke to the sounds of Satsu and Kennedy arguing in the hallway. It was early, too early to be awake on a Sunday and she groaned as she pulled the pillow over her head and tried to drown the rest of the world out.

"You're leaving? Why?" Kennedy asked and that made Buffy nearly leap out of bed. "Satsu, come on. Just because things between you and Buffy didn't work out doesn't mean you have to leave!"

"Sure it does! I can't stay here."

"What's going on?" Buffy asked quietly as she opened the door. "Are you leaving?"

"Yes, I am," Satsu replied coldly. "Not like you'd care. I'm sure you're happy I am. One less thing for you to worry about, right?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Do not play me like I'm stupid, Buffy. I saw what happened last night in the kitchen."

"What happened last night in the kitchen?" Kennedy asked, blinking several times at the anger clearly visible in Satsu's eyes and the slight blush that crept across Buffy's cheeks. "Seriously, what happened in the kitchen?"

"Her and Faith is what happened," she snapped as she bent down to pick up one of her many bags.

"Buffy?" Kennedy looked at her, furrowing her brow slightly as she waited for Buffy to say something. "What happened?"

"Too much," she replied softly, lowering her eyes to the floor in front of her. "Things just got out of hand last night, that's all."

"Was she good for you?" Satsu asked bitterly as she stepped just mere inches in front of Buffy. "Was she better than me? She get you off in less than the three minutes it takes for me to get you off, huh?"

"What..."

"Shit," Kennedy muttered as she stifled a laugh and took a few steps back. "Maybe you two should take this somewhere privately?"

"Why don't you fuck off and mind your own business?" Satsu said to her, not even turning to look at her as she stared Buffy down. "You know what? I don't even want to talk about this. We're done, Buffy. I can't keep doing this with you and I can't keep letting you string me along because you are afraid of being alone. I know you'll never love me and I know you'll never love anyone the way you love _her_."

Buffy said nothing and sighed out softly. She felt bad for feeling slightly more than relieved Satsu had decided to leave her, but she didn't want her to feel as if she had to move out of the house too. They needed her there, they needed her help with the Hellmouth. There weren't many strong, efficient Slayer's out there that matched the strength and speed that Satsu had. It was how she was as a Slayer that had attracted Buffy to her in the first place.

Satsu said nothing more as she walked past Buffy and Kennedy and headed down the stairs. Buffy blinked back a few tears she hadn't felt there until they began to fall. Even though this is what she wanted, what she knew had to happen, it still hurt and it still tore her apart. Kennedy threw an arm over her shoulders and gave her a comforting, encouraging smile.

"You okay, Buffy?"

"I will be."

"You and Faith..."

"We didn't fuck," she stated firmly. "Things just got out of hand last night."

"I'm guessing she saw you two then after what just happened?"

"I guess," Buffy shrugged.

"Dare I ask what's going to happen now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well for one thing, we're short an extra Slayer now which means more work for all of us," Kennedy pointed out the obvious. "And for another thing, I'm talking about you and Faith. Are you two going to get together now or is she going to stay with Josh?"

"Right now, I have no idea what's happening. We talked last night and she told me she was going to leave him. I'm not holding my breath."

"No?" Kennedy said as a small smile crept over her lips. "Maybe you should go see who is downstairs in the living room right now then."

"What?"

"Faith. She came here this morning. Early. Overheard her talking to Giles about her moving back in the house. Just thought you might want to know that I believe she has left Josh for you."

"And to think you told me before she'd never leave him," Buffy chuckled, unable to feel deliriously happy that maybe, just maybe everything would end up happening exactly the way she wanted them to.

Kennedy gave her a smile as she dropped her arm from around her shoulders and followed her down the stairs. She stopped in the doorway to the living room and stared in at Faith passed out on the couch near the window. Kennedy gave her a gentle nudge, winking at her before she walked into the kitchen to join the others for coffee and breakfast.

Even from where Buffy stood from across the room looking over at Faith, she could see that she hadn't slept all night. She looked restless yet at ease at the same time. She walked slowly across the room and stopped when she reached the couch. She knew she should just let her sleep and when she woke up they'd talk and do whatever else came after that. Buffy was about to turn and walk out of there to let her sleep when Faith reached out for her hand.

"Hey," she smiled up at Buffy as she sat up slowly. "Bet you're wondering what I'm doing here sleeping on the couch, huh?"

"I have an idea."

"I told him," she said softly as Buffy moved to sit down next to her. "I told him about what's been happening between us lately and how I feel about you. He told me to pack my shit and get out of the apartment."

"It's over?"

"Yeah," Faith nodded her head slowly. "Definitely over between me and him."

"Just like that?"

"Yeah. Just like that."

"Satsu...she left. She left me and I think she's gone for good now."

"She took her shit and left, didn't she?"

Buffy nodded her head as she let Faith take her hand. "I'd still be in bed sleeping if it hadn't been for her and Kennedy arguing in the hallway right outside my room."

"Kind of overheard that. Hard not to. Slayer hearing and then there's the fact that sound travels pretty clearly through the whole house."

"So, what now?"

"Breakfast?" Faith offered as her stomach growled in agreement. "We'll sit down and talk later, preferably somewhere private."

Faith motioned to Willow as she walked into the living room almost immediately after Faith had said that. Willow's eyebrows rose nearly to her hairline when she saw the two of them on the couch, their hands clasped and their fingers intertwined. Buffy didn't even bother pulling her hand from Faith's, not even at the reaction Willow was having and the impending freak out she knew would soon follow.

Buffy tried to breathe, but it was hard to with Willow staring at the two of them the way she was. Buffy let go of Faith's hand when Willow blinked a couple of times before turning and walking out of the living room without saying a single word.

"Okay," Faith laughed as she shook her head and slowly stretched out. "That was...weird. Then again Red is pretty weird."

"Yeah," Buffy nodded in agreement. "She is definitely up there on the weird scale."

"B, I need to talk to you about a couple of things. Important things about us," she said as she motioned between the two of them. "I want to take this slow. I mean we have jumped into this pretty fucking fast, right? I kind of need a bit of a breather seeing how I just broke off the only serious relationship I've ever had. You cool with giving me a bit of time?"

What was she going to say, no? All she did was nod her head and forced a smile as Faith got up from the couch. Rather than continue the conversation by asking her how much time she actually needed, she followed her into the kitchen. Her own stomach was demanding breakfast and a lot of coffee.

Buffy stood at the island, listening to everyone talk about the new patrol schedules now that Satsu had left to go back to Tokyo. She started thinking about taking everything slow with Faith, giving her as much time as she needed before they were ready to be together. She wondered how they were going to end up telling everyone. That was if everyone hadn't already figured it out by now. She knew Dawn and Willow would have a problem with the two of them being together and she knew she didn't have to worry much about what Kennedy and Xander thought. Giles was a tough one to figure out and after the knowing look he'd given them late the night before, she suspected he already knew that there was something evolving between her and Faith.

Faith purposely kept her distance now. Buffy could only sigh out in disbelief. She knew they weren't going to jump right into a relationship, but she just wanted to be near her. The vibes and warm tingles she always had around Faith were more intense the closer they were to one another. She didn't want to cling. Clinging to Faith drove her away. It was one of those things she'd learned in the first few months after Sunnydale. Faith liked her space and even with Josh she had pushed him away more than a handful of times when he got to be a little too clingy for her tastes.

"Hey," Faith said softly as she stood next to her and leaned against the island. "You feel up to some sparring after we eat?"

"Sure, why not."

"Gonna try and convince Ken to let us have some time downstairs alone too."

"Sounds good to me."

"Alone to spar, B. Not for any other reason," she chuckled. She leaned in closer to her and took in a sharp breath. "_That_ will come in time."

Buffy held her breath, stopping the slight moan before it slipped out. The images she'd gotten then were hot. She couldn't believe how worked up she was getting just thinking about kissing Faith, touching Faith, fucking Faith, and making love with her. If Faith made her wait longer than a couple of days, she'd be having too many cold showers from now until it happened between them.

Her thoughts became lost in the chatter in the kitchen and the smell of delicious pancakes filling the air as Dawn and Willow stood by the stove and cooked them. Faith had moved away from her again, but she didn't seem to mind too much this time. She was talking to Kennedy, both of them laughing and teasing Xander. She smiled to herself knowing that the bitter, depressed and jealous Buffy would without a doubt never make another appearance anytime soon. It was comforting. She hated that part of herself and she hated being swallowed by the bitterness, consumed by the depression and driven to the point of insanity by the jealousy.

She felt as if she was on a high, on a different ethereal plane as she ate her stack of pancakes coated in maple syrup and drank her coffee. Her whole body was buzzing at thoughts of what would be and what could be for her and Faith. Nobody had ever made her feel this way. Nobody had ever come close and nobody ever would. Ever.

She smiled to herself as she ate the last bite of her pancakes. The only thought now stuck in her head was of finding ways to relentlessly tease Faith while they sparred.

****

Three hours of sparring and they were still going at it, neither one of them backing down or reaching the point where they called a time out for a breather. She circled Faith, feeling the droplets of perspiration slowly roll down the hot, clammy skin of her back. She loved the overwhelming exhaustion that was taking over her body. She missed sparring with Faith like this. They hadn't done it like this since before Faith had met Josh. It was different now. What once could have been classified as an accidental touch or grope was now very much intentional and carefully timed as to not seem so obvious.

Buffy felt a little dizzy after circling her for what felt like five minutes or more without either one of them making a move. The second she let her guard down and dropped her fists she found herself being swept to the mats, Faith pinning her down in an instant.

"Was waiting for you to let your guard down, B," she whispered huskily into her ear as she pinned Buffy's hands down above her head. "You want to call it?"

"Are you getting tired?"

"Me? Never."

Buffy made no effort to move or try to get Faith off of her. The molten heat between them was scorching and they both groaned softly as Faith pressed her hips hard into Buffy's the instant she did try to move. The intensity in Faith's eyes made her shiver despite the heat she felt running throughout her entire body. She didn't want to fight her urges to kiss her, to touch her, but she wanted to respect her for wanting to wait. It felt like an impossible feat, but one she knew with enough determination she'd get through.

"What are you thinking?" Faith asked softly, her warm breath caressing Buffy's lips, nearly teasing her.

"I'm thinking we'll need to invest in a lock on the basement door eventually."

"Oh yeah? You not into people catching you doing the naughty, are you?"

"No, I'm really not."

They were both now slowly rocking their hips together, trying to create some kind of friction. Buffy wasn't even sure why she was doing it. She was losing her fight in holding herself back and she could tell Faith was as well. Three hours of intense sparring was finally taking its toll on both of them. She knew Faith got just as worked up as she did while sparring, if not more than they got worked up while slaying. Her body was screaming for release and when Faith tensed and then pulled herself off of her and reached out for her hand to pull her up, she knew she wasn't going to get the release she so desperately needed.

They both looked up at the stairs as the door opened. Kenned walked down, her eyebrows slightly raised at the two of them as she stared down at them. Buffy shook her head and grabbed a couple bottles of water from the fridge and tossed Faith one.

"You two have been sparring this whole time?"

"Yeah," Faith nodded. "What, you want to get in a little time, huh?"

"Would love to but seeing how my sparring partner just up and left this morning..."

"Give me ten minutes and I'll have a go with you," Faith smiled over at her. "Gonna go have a quick smoke and we'll get down to it, alright?"

"Sure," Kennedy nodded as she moved to begin stretching out on the mats. Faith ran up the stairs and the moment the door was closed, Kennedy looked over at Buffy. "Do I even want to know what was really going on down here?"

"We _were_ sparring, Kennedy."

"Sure," she laughed. "Like I'm gonna believe that for a second."

"If we weren't, don't you think you'd catch us naked on the floor?"

"Technical details," she replied as she waved her hand around.

"Don't even," Buffy warned her as she sat on the stack of extra mats and leaned against the cool, stone wall. "She wants to take it slow. We're taking it slow."

"So, no..." Kennedy grunted then laughed at the look on Buffy's face. "Gotcha. That's gotta be killer. Knowing you both are available and free to do what you want and each other and yet, you can't quite get with the naughty just yet."

"Why are you so interested in our sex life?"

"So you two do have a sex life?"

"No!" Buffy sighed out in frustration. Kennedy always pushed the wrong buttons, but she'd gotten so used to it over the years it no longer pissed her off the way it had in the beginning. "Not yet anyway."

"Honestly? Seeing you pine over her for the last year or so has been traumatizing. Yeah, don't think I didn't see it, Buffy. The mood swings, the jealousy, the way you'd just stare at her sometimes, looking like you were trying to fuck her with your eyes."

"I never...tried to fuck her with my eyes."

"Oh yes you have," Kennedy chuckled. "Aside from that, I know what you're going through. Before I met you guys and Willow, I was head over heels in love with this girl I knew I'd never have a chance in hell with. The feelings I had for her controlled every emotion I ever felt. She made me feel things I never thought were possible. The jealousy was brutal. Her boyfriend was a jerk and well, I took a rather violent route when the jealously I had whenever I saw the two of them together finally wore thin."

"How bad?"

"I kicked his ass, he landed in the hospital for a couple hours with a dislocated shoulder and a mild concussion by the time I was finished with him. He's just lucky I wasn't a slayer then."

They both laughed at that. Buffy was starting to realize how much alike her and Kennedy were, more so than she ever thought they were. All this time she thought Kennedy was more like Faith. The attitude was there, the way she didn't use her head and jumped into situations head first was there as well. The sexual energy, well, all slayers had a high sex drive. Buffy knew she did even though she spent more time suppressing it rather than giving into the urges.

"What happened to the girl you were so in love with?" Buffy asked after a few minutes of silence passed between them.

"Well, after I kicked her boyfriend's ass, she stopped talking to me. Few weeks after that I was in Sunnydale and the second I laid my eyes on Willow, Carly was just a distant, painful memory."

"You really love Will, don't you?"

"Love at first sight kind of deal with her," Kennedy shrugged. "Wouldn't still be with her if it wasn't, right? Every day I wake up beside her and I don't know how it's possible, but I fall in love with her all over again. There's just something about her, you know?"

"Yeah. I hope to know what that's like one day."

"You ever look at Faith and just know that it's supposed to be between you two?"

"Every day, even before I realized that I was in love with her I felt that way."

"You know what I think, Buffy? I think you two were made for each other. You're a lot alike and just different enough to mesh well together. You bring out the best and worse in each other. You always have for as long as I've known you two. And for as long as I've known you two I've see the way she used to look at you, the way she still looked at you even when she was with Josh. You think you were the only one pining?"

"I..."

"Buffy," Kennedy sighed as she pulled herself up from the mats. "Faith has always been in love with you. God, I could not only see what you two felt for each other, I could feel it. It drives me fucking insane with all the unresolved sexual tension flying between you two."

"You two talking about me?" Faith asked as she came down the stairs, smirking at both of them when neither responded. "Hope it was all good things or I'll have to kick your ass."

"Whose ass will you be kicking?" Buffy asked her.

"Kennedy's."

"Hey!" Kennedy laughed as she playfully punched Faith in the shoulder. "What did I ever do to you?"

"You want me to start at the beginning or just pick up random points of when you've pissed me off?"

Buffy sat back with what felt like a permanent half grin, half smirk upon her lips. Watching Kennedy and Faith banter and spar was rather entertaining. Faith was a little tired, it showed in the sluggish ways she moved her body every time she ducked or blocked a kick and a punch from Kennedy. Buffy had no doubt that she'd be able to keep up. Kennedy was good, she was quick, but Faith was just that much better. She always had been.

Watching Faith in action, there were just no words to describe how it made Buffy feel. Maybe Kennedy had been right. She did try to fuck Faith with her eyes without even realizing what she was doing. Faith seemed to notice this time and she let the look Buffy had in her eyes distract her long enough to let Kennedy get the upper hand for once. In an instant Faith was swept to the floor, face first and immediately pinned down by an overzealous Kennedy.

"Finally."

"Don't act so fucking smug, Ken."

"What?" Kennedy chuckled

Faith winked at Buffy as she managed to throw Kennedy off of her and was on her feet in half a second. It went on like this for nearly an hour and when Kennedy finally gave up she admitted defeat and left the two of them down there in the basement alone. Faith collapsed on the mats, breathing heavily and kept her eyes closed as she tried to catch her breath. They'd overdone it that morning, Faith even more so and Buffy smirked as she slowly walked over to her and handed her a fresh bottle of water.

Buffy was about to walk away when Faith reached out and grabbed her leg and pulled her down so she was on the mats next to her. She stared at her for a moment, her eyes darting back and forth as if she was debating something. She looked frustrated and worked up and Buffy knew it only mirrored the look in her own eyes.

She could swear Faith was about to kiss her, but stopped before she got that close and sighed out loudly. She watched as Faith closed her eyes and ran her hands through her hair slowly. The frustration pouring off of her was driving Buffy crazy with her own build up frustrations. It made her wonder if feeling this way was any better than the bitter, depressed Buffy. She knew it was. She could feel the smile tugging at the corner of her lips at all times now despite all the frustrations and built up sexual tension.

"It's hard," Faith muttered. "Fighting what I know I want."

"I know."

"Couple days, B," she sighed out as she turned her head and opened her eyes to look at her. "I don't think I'm gonna survive them."

Buffy laughed as she reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers. "You can survive anything, Faith."

"But this?" She said as she held their linked hands up a little. "And then the fact you've done nothing but try to fuck me with your eyes all morning, it's too much and not enough. Never thought it was possible to want anyone as much or as badly as I want you right now, B."

"If you don't want to wait..."

"We have to," she replied quickly. "It's the 'healthy' thing to do. The right thing to do. Kind of wonder though what the hell we were thinking last night."

"I think it was the bit of liquid courage we had in us that made us take things a little too far too fast. We probably should stay away from drinking any sort of alcohol for awhile, at least while we're hanging out together."

Faith chuckled as she nodded her head. "I'm thinking that's probably wise. Cos when this happens between us, I know I definitely want to be sober. I want to remember every detail, memorize every dip and curve of your body. I want to fuck you for hours, make love to you all day long. I want to make you scream out my name, cry and beg for me to stop when it gets too much. I want it all with you, B."

Buffy groaned as she smiled at the thought of doing just that. The next couple of days would be torture. They'd get through it. They'd come this far already. What was a few more days of waiting?


	10. Epilogue

On the morning of her birthday she woke to a raging snowstorm and the sounds of someone juggling a tray of food just outside the door. She chuckled as she heard Faith swear under her breath as she managed to get the door open. Buffy sat up in bed slowly as Faith walked in balancing a tray of breakfast and two cups of coffee in her hands.

"Morning birthday girl," Faith said cheerfully as she walked up to the bed and Buffy took the tray from her and placed it over her lap.

"You do all this for me?"

"I had some help," she chuckled as she got into bed next to her and grabbed a cup of coffee. "Dawnie nearly kicked me out of the kitchen when I wouldn't stop eating everything. Of course she had to remind me this was all for you, not for me."

"There's enough food for both of us."

"Part of the plan. Wasn't gonna bring you your birthday breakfast without bringing some for me. I'm selfish like that," Faith winked as she reached for a piece of bacon and took a bite.

"Well thank you," Buffy smiled and she let Faith lean in for a bacon flavoured kiss. "I hope you plan on giving me a proper birthday kiss after we eat."

"Plan on doing a hell of a lot more than just kiss you babe."

Buffy smiled at her and sipped her coffee, still waking up a little and slightly overwhelmed with the amount of food piled on the tray. The last couple of days had dragged on and the teasing between the two of them had reached the breaking point. She and Faith had become inseparable ever since she'd moved back in the house. The only time they spent apart was when they slept at night. Buffy was hoping that would change as soon as Faith was ready to enter into the relationship fully.

"It's snowing like hell outside," Faith muttered as she looked out the window. "Told everyone to go fuck themselves when they asked if we could help them dig the cars out of the driveway. Today is the one day we're both gonna do fuck all but spend the day cooped up in bed together."

"I understand why I can get away with it, being my birthday and all, but you?"

"I'm here to pamper the birthday girl."

"Oh yeah?"

"Oh yeah," Faith said as she wiggled her eyebrows. "I don't do the normal girly pampering shit so don't expect me to braid your hair or paint your toes. I will give you the ultimate full body massage."

Buffy couldn't help but laugh at how adorable Faith was being. She could tell she was slightly nervous too. Her small shred of nervousness made Buffy's heart flutter in anticipation of what else Faith had planned for the day.

"Gonna eat your breakfast, B? It's getting cold," Faith said quietly as she reached for a slice of toast and nearly shoved the entire thing in her mouth.

"Working on it although I think you're taking care of eating it. I had something _else_ in mind," Buffy chuckled, her voice thick with arousal as Faith's eyes went wide and she nearly choked on the toast. "What, you don't like that idea?"

"What..." Faith mumbled as she tried to swallow before continuing. "What did you have in mind?"

"I was thinking of eating _you_. Since it is my birthday and all, shouldn't I get what I want most of all?"

Faith blushed a little and within a few seconds she was out of bed and taking the tray of food from Buffy's lap and placing it on top of the dresser. She stood there for a moment with her back turned to Buffy and breathed out shakily. Buffy had never seen her blush as much as she had in the past couple of days. It gave her a sense of power to know she could have that effect on Faith when no one else ever had. She knew that Faith never expected her to be so verbally sexual and every time she was it never failed to surprise her and cause that blush to creep over her cheeks.

After a few minutes passed, Faith came back to bed and Buffy pulled her down partly on top of her and smiled as she leaned in to kiss her. It'd been three days since Buffy had kissed her, three days of torture. Three goddamn long days. It took Faith a few seconds to finally kiss her back and when she did, it was wild without abandon and she was quickly trying to get Buffy out of her soft, fleece pyjamas.

She had a great feeling that the day was doing to be one of the longest and easily the best days she'd had in a very long time. She just hoped that she'd be able to keep up with Faith and for once she had no doubt in her mind she'd have a hell of a lot of fun trying.

****

It was late afternoon by the time Buffy woke up from a short nap. She was tangled in the covers and curled up next to a still sleeping Faith. What was left of her pyjamas lay shredded on the floor next to Faith's clothes and she stifled a chuckle as her eyes roamed over Faith's very naked body. She was deliciously sore and still craving more, but she didn't have it in her to wake Faith up just yet.

She untangled herself from the covers and from Faith and slipped out of bed. The room was cold and she shivered as she grabbed her robe and slipped it on. She picked up her pyjamas and determined they were a lost cause and chucked them in the small trash bin by her desk. The food Faith had brought up for her for breakfast was cold and inedible now and she sighed as she found some clean clothes and quickly got dressed. She looked back at Faith, smiling a little as she picked up the tray of uneaten food and headed downstairs.

She ignored the oblivious stares she received from Willow, Dawn and Kennedy when she walked into the kitchen. She had a permanent smile etched across her face and there was nothing that would wipe it away. She got rid of the uneaten food and stacked the dirty dishes in the sink and turned to look at the three of them.

"What?"

"About time you decided to get out of bed," Kennedy snickered.

Dawn rolled her eyes and walked out of the kitchen. Buffy looked over at Willow who looked rather emotionless until a smirk appeared and she laughed.

"I think you traumatized poor Dawnie," she said between fits of laughter. "And Giles."

"Why?" Buffy asked, holding back her own giggle as she leaned against the counter.

"You and Faith weren't exactly quiet," Kennedy pointed out. That brought the blush to Buffy's cheeks and she only shrugged it off as best as she could. "You didn't even eat your birthday breakfast? I'm thinking you wanted to eat Faith instead. Am I right or am I right?"

"Ken!" Willow laughed as she smacked her across the back of the head.

"What?"

"That was a little too much information even for me," Willow chuckled and she got up from the chair and walked over to Buffy and gave her a hug. "Happy birthday, Buffy."

"Thanks."

"Just wanted to get the birthday hug in there," Willow smiled as she backed away from her. "Who knows if I'll see you until tomorrow or next week!"

"Next week?" Buffy laughed as she shook her head. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Years of sexual frustration between you and Faith just kind of exploded this morning. Figuratively and literally. It's bound to continue."

"I take it you're okay with me and Faith being together then?"

"Yeah," Willow nodded. "I know I wasn't acting too nice the last couple of days, but I had to get used to the fact, you know? The history you two have had a lot to do with it then I had to remind myself how much you two have changed since we came here and how close you two have gotten. If you are happy then I am happy."

"Thanks, Will. This means a lot to me that you are okay with this," Buffy smiled as she pulled her in for another hug. "I should get back upstairs..."

"Yeah. Just try to keep it down a little. I don't think Dawnie or Giles can handle being anymore traumatized for today."

Buffy chuckled as she walked out of the kitchen and headed back up to her room. She stripped out of her clothes and crawled back into bed. Faith's arms instantly found their way around her and she sighed out contentedly as she laid her head on Faith's shoulder.

She was already used to the way her whole body relaxed and her mind eased just being near Faith. She ran her fingers lightly over the fast fading love bites over her neck. Being a Slayer had its perks, quick healing and stamina although she wasn't so sure if the stamina applied in bed. They'd both fast worn each other out. It'd never been like that with anyone else. Not even with Satsu. She knew now that sex with Faith was on a completely different level than it had been with Satsu and her past relationships didn't even register in her mind anymore.

"Heard you downstairs," Faith said quietly as she looked down at Buffy. "We really were loud, weren't we?"

"Yeah," Buffy chuckled softly, moving up to kiss her lightly. "We'll have to try and keep it down next time."

"You mean right now?"

"Again?" Buffy asked as she raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"You are complaining?"

"No," she laughed as she shook her head. "I just...this morning was intense. Kind of still recovering from..."

"Recovering from what? Having multiple mind-blowing orgasms?" Faith asked coyly as she ran her hands over Buffy's back slowly. "I've never been able to come so many times, B. To look at you, you wouldn't think you had the skills, but I definitely know better now."

"Hey!" Buffy laughed as she poked her in the stomach.

"I said I know better now!" Faith groaned as Buffy moved to straddle her and pinned her hands above her head against the pillows. "You still feel like this is fucking surreal?"

"A little bit, yeah."

"Glad that jealousy is gone, B?"

"Mm-hmm."

"It was a good look on you despite when I said it wasn't," Faith smirked as she tried to get her hands out of Buffy's grip. "Always got me a little hot and bothered seeing you get all wicked jealous, babe."

"Just a little?"

"Okay, a lot," Faith chuckled as she leaned up to kiss her. "Still feels fucking surreal. You had me so fucking derailed the last couple of weeks, B. I really had no idea you were in love with me until you told me. Really thought I never had a chance with you after you blew me off years ago."

Buffy had thought about that a lot in the past couple of weeks and she was thinking about it again now that Faith had brought it up. It had been at the time in her life when she wasn't looking for any kind of relationship and she definitely wasn't open to being with another woman then either. Faith had almost kissed her that night they'd had a talk, or rather Faith talked and she listened, about if there'd ever be anything more than friendship between them.

She'd let her down gently, told her the timing was all off and that she couldn't be more than friends with her. Even thinking back to it now, she knew how hurt Faith had been even though she didn't show it. Faith being Faith just shrugged it off and went on with life as if that talk between them and that almost kiss had never happened.

"What you thinking about?" Faith asked quietly.

"About that day," Buffy replied with a shrug. "I can't believe I turned you down like that. What was I thinking?"

"Don't have a damn clue. You regretted it, didn't you?"

"I did when I realized how I felt about you. And since you and Josh were serious I thought my chance with you was gone completely. I should feel bad about acting so selfish when I told you how I felt about you, but I don't."

"Good," Faith smiled as Buffy finally let go of her hands. "If there's one thing I'm fucking happy about it's you being so fucking selfish. Look where it got us. Naked in bed together."

"Is that all this is?" Buffy asked, a teasing smile creeping across her lips. "I'm just another fuck to you?"

"Oh hell no," Faith growled as she flipped them over and hovered over Buffy, smiling down at her before leaning in to kiss her. "You're a hell of a lot more to me than just a fuck, babe. In case you don't know, which I know you do, I'm so in love with you. I think I always have been."

"Faith, I..."

"You tell anyone what a fucking sap I am and I'm gonna kick your ass."

"No you won't."

"And how do you know that?"

"You're in love with me. You won't intentionally hurt me."

"Feeling confident about that, are you?"

Buffy pouted and pretended to think about it for a moment and they both burst into a fit of giggles in a matter of seconds. Buffy could see a flash of fear in Faith's eyes, fear that if she was too happy and free in the moment that it'd be taken from her. Buffy sighed as she reached up and tucked a few strands of Faith's hair behind her ears and pulled her down for a deep, passionate kiss. She fell into the intensity of the kiss, the rest of the world slipping away until all she saw from behind closed eyes was Faith.

It was how it always was and how she knew now that it always would be.

She'd fought a raging battle within her heart, her body, her mind, her soul all fighting her conscious and in the end she knew neither had lost. She'd gotten the girl she was in love with and she'd found the shred of happiness she'd long been searching for. Nothing would ever come between them and she knew she'd fight to the death if anyone or anything ever dared to try. Even a part of her knew that Faith felt the same way she did. It was something that went unsaid, but strengthened the bond they shared and the bond that was continuing to grow with every passing hour.

Buffy pulled the covers completely over them, stifling a giggle as Faith tried to pull them off. It became a battle of wills as they continued kissing and tugging at the covers. Buffy pulled away from her with a gasp as the expensive linen shredded in their hands.

"Shit," Faith muttered as she let go of the sheets. "Sorry, B."

"Wasn't just you," she shrugged it off even though she had spent weeks looking for the specific bed linen. "It's only sheets, you know?"

"Yeah..."

"Just promise me you won't rip every single item of clothing I own. I don't think there's enough money in my bank account to splurge for new clothes every other week."

"Hey, I already apologized for ruining your new pyjamas, B."

"I know, I was just warning you."

"I can't promise you anything though. Now that I know what this hot body of yours looks like under all those clothes you wear, I'm gonna wanna get you naked every chance I can get."

"Charming, Faith."

"Not known for my charms, babe. Known for my mad skills and wicked hot looks," she winked and wiggled her eyebrows for the desired effect.

"You know something, Faith? This has been by far the best birthday I've ever had and I didn't even get any presents!"

"I got you something actually. Bit too lazy and wicked comfortable to go and get it right now. It's nothing special or anything, just something I saw when I was out and it made me think of you."

"What is it?"

"You really want me to go get it right now?" Faith asked and Buffy nodded her head excitedly. "You sure?"

"Yes! Go. I'll keep the bed nice and warm for you," she smiled as Faith reluctantly got out of bed and grabbed Buffy's robe and slipped it on.

"It's nothing major, just warning you."

"Go get my present already!" Buffy laughed as she tossed a pillow at her.

Faith quickly left the room and came back a minute later with a small white paper bag. She kicked the door shut and made sure it was locked before she discarded the robe and climbed back into bed with Buffy. She handed her the bag, smiling as Buffy pulled out the wrapped gift that was inside. It was small, but she didn't care. It was from Faith and whatever she'd gotten her she knew she'd love it.

"Oh Faith..." Buffy sighed out happily as she tore off the green wrapping paper and held the small stuffed pig in her hands. "I can't believe..."

"I remembered how many times you talked about Mr. Gordo and how much it killed you inside that you couldn't find another one just like the one you left behind in Sunnydale. When I saw this I just had to get it for you."

"Faith this is the best present ever!" She squealed out happily as she threw her arms around Faith and hugged her tightly. "I can't believe you found one just like the old Mr. Gordo!"

"Ouch," Faith groaned as she stuck her finger in her ear and rolled her eyes. "Take it down a couple notches, huh? I'm gonna end up being deaf in one ear with all this squealing."

"Oh whatever, Faith," Buffy laughed, knowing Faith was only teasing her. "Thank you."

"It's nothing."

"Oh it's more than nothing. You have no idea what this means to me, do you?"

"Have an idea. My ears are still ringing," Faith smirked as she leaned in to kiss her lightly, lingering for a moment before pulling back.

"Thank you," Buffy said again, pulling her back in for another kiss. "I love you, Faith."

"Love you too, B."

Buffy settled next to Faith, their arms around each other and their legs tangled. She closed her eyes, loving how happy she felt, how in love she was with Faith and how amazing it felt just to lay there in her arms. And for a few short minutes she could swear their hearts were almost beating in time together and it was comforting to feel as if they'd almost merged into one. The simplest act of intimacy, of just holding one another, was just as crazily intense as it had while they'd spent hours that morning making love.

Their relationship was only beginning and yet it felt like it'd been happening for years. She had a lifetime ahead of her to love Faith, to show her how much she loved her and to just be with her every single day and only ever taking it one day at a time.

The derailment of her life, of the matters of her heart and of Faith's had been for the better, it had brought them together even after the drama, the bitter jealousy, the emotions that drove her and steered her down a road she hated being on. She always seemed to find herself back where she started, only this time, Faith was there waiting for her.

The days and months and years to come would be interesting to say the least. They were in for the ride of their lives and she couldn't wait to see what would come next.

The End


End file.
